Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Oi

People, unfortunately I have nothing to go on about here. At least nothing interesting.
The only good news in my life is one of my friends is here and braided my hair and so I look half decent and have returned to my status as a local champion. The other couldnt make it as she just landed a new job.
I've found getting cat calls and dirty words in a foreign language is not so bad.
My dance classes are ok. 'cept my teacher is tapping enough current outta me for me to drop the gay theory. I think i have enough grainy videos of my lessons on my phone to post safely without being recognised.
We'll see.
We took a pictures of this hot guy at the beach yesterday with very serious abs and the plan is to tinker with it on photoshop till minha amiga looks like she is in his arms.
Any way, we are off to the beach again.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Virgin Mother...so cliché


Recent posts in some blogs have been concerned with the modern(Nigerian)woman vis á vis her relationships, money and morality.


Is the Nigerian woman virtue-deficient as a whole?

I think not.

Alongside the blare of cable television introducing our society to everything western are our mothers screams. They are our constant reminders of what it means to be ''African''.

don't show your belly button

don't talk to a man first

cross your legs when you sit

the man is the head of the family

that skirt is way too short

go to school

*but while you are it look for a man.

many of us choose what we listen to and what to discard as ''old school''.

It is my opinion that the emerging hybrid of womanhood is still innately African. She may flaunt her modernism by being blatantly sexual, garner degrees and accolades longer than her traditional name.She may succumb to western 'frivolities' unheard of mere years ago, like boasting of her ability to order in, and holy of hollies-earn more money than her man.


Has that made her different? Are we unlike our mothers?

Mothers to be and mothers today. Or was her image a façade?

Do you think she didn't scheme and made sure the village wrestler caught her eye after he won the fight then sneak over to ''Amalinze's'' hut when her own man was past his prime?(sorry, i think that was my granny)

Recently,I was chatting with an old friend and used the F word and was surprised when I was reprimanded. I asked him why because he knew I was a cusser (albeit a light one), his answer was that I am married now.

worrehel!!!

When did being married bestow virtues?
I must have missed that class.

My point here just incase it went over some heads, is that just like i will beat the hell outta any child of mine for using the f word, our mothers were naughty too. But our men seem to think them the epitome(pronounced ipitəmē) of sainthood. they had 'bad' girls in the villages willing to be married off to the village chief for social status and comfort, arent 'these' aristo fore runners?
Every visit to my granny ends with prayers for me and future husband and blah blah. I am told not to follow men with money but to look for a God fearing man. Then one day I tell my granny I have a boyfriend and we want to get married, to my amazement, mama wanted to know if he had money? When I said jokingly that money doesnt matter, she laughed the laugh of age.

You see? We are no worse than our mothers.
Guys, forgive the inebriation of youth, our tank tops and tongs will pass, we will wash our potty mouths with ariel,we will clasp our rosaries to our lips in fervent prayer and then we will become your mothers.
Okwaya o wu ihe unu choro?
or will we?

On a lighter note,
Guys, if you could only have 2 qualities out of these 3, what would it be?(but comment on the above first)
  1. She is miss world beautiful, and sex is always a trip to shangri-la


  2. She cooks better than your mother(we are assuming ya mama sabi cook)


  3. The house and your clothes are always spotless.

Monday, 8 October 2007

I need more black


They've begun a new cycle of Brazil's next top model and I decided to watch it this week. I was surprised to find one black (real black) girl and two mullatas.

the show began and of course the dark skinned girls got next to no air time. In fact the only time they actually speak to the camera is when there is a quarrel because one of the girls called a half caste a mullata and she didn't like it. The word for black is negro for men and negra the feminine version, the half castes are mullatos and mullatas.

the one thing Brazil manages not to tell the world when they invite you to their beaches is that dark skinned is not so welcome.



Every time  am out, I find I only get respect when  they hear me speak in English and this annoys me- and then they ask with gushing smiles if I am American.



NOT EVERY WELL DRESSED BLACKIE IS A F***ING AMERICAN!!!

I AM NOT AFRICAN AMERICAN, I''M NOT COLOURED, AND IF YOU SAY NEGRA ONE MORE TIME....



The last time I was in a store and couldnt explain what I wanted, I was determined not to speak English and instead of the usual ''voce fala ingles?''. I said ''o nwere onye na su Igbo ebaa?''

Of course the woman went blank and then she asked me if I was Jamaican.


"Eu sou Nigeriana.''

I am black and that's it.



I hear they have other states where the blacks are concentrated, but here the blacks are so lack lustre, they have no vibe. I see them slink to work everyday, cleaners, delivery boys, maids.(office jobs like secretaries, receptionist and even waiters are usually reserved for the Indians and other colours in between) .
I want to scream at them-
Wake up! black people are funky,we have a pizazz, we do everything with style, a little sumsum, efizi, get jiggy with it. Any thing. JUST WAKE UP.
Even though i also feel like since i don't know any thing about the history and struggles here,i shouldn't be quick to judge but with all the Americans have done in their quest for racial integration, it ought to be a whole lot better.

 I should read up Afro-Brazilian history


In the very first episode of the show (BNTM) the only black girl was removed. i guess it's better she was eliminated now, I bet they didn't even think of make up and hair for her.

Don't even get me started on the hair for the blacks. The only girl I have seen here with nice hair was sitting and eating in a mall(which is even strange), if she was walking or shopping, i'd have asked her where she did it but chances are she's a foreigner too. (my foolish friends still haven't come, one is supposed to braid my hair)

I am told they have magazines for black women and still haven't seen one.

Thank God I receive my TRUE LOVE here.

What annoys me about this is that Brazil has the 2nd largest black population ( I was stupid enough to ask which country has the first, yep I'm dumb like that)
It is true that Brazilians are very friendly but I always feel like something is missing.
 I think they are trained to sell their country to foreigners. Once somebody said something that explained this perfectly. He said Brazilians are like the Christ the Redeemer statue. They welcome you with open arms but will never embrace you.

WORD.

Any ways, this is definitely not a place to raise my kids(except if they come out white ).
I cant wait to delve into the sea of blackness that I call home.



P.S
Nigeria is shitty but its home



* For non Nigerian readers-
'Half caste' is P.C in Nigeria.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

mmaya and i


This year, for the first time in a long time, I knew what the perfect gift for Frank's birthday would be. I'd been hoping it would be available even as I knew it wouldn't.

Today is his birthday and yesterday I decided to go find something ...any thing.


the perfect gift for femme's frank this year would be tekken six.


He has been waiting for it like a child for Christmas.


You see Femme's Frank fancies himself the worlds best tekken player and I assure you if we could translate the time he puts into it, we just might be on Forbes's list (or maybe Networth's list of richest blacks)


so I went from store to store looking and after 2 hours i had bought a beautiful rug i just couldn't leave behind and Erica Jong's SEDUCING THE DEMON.

i decided to take a break. it was my first meal of the day and it was already past 4 so i was really hungry but interestingly i felt the itch for alcohol(can alcoholic craving be an itch?).

femme and frank had been out last weekend and i tasted his caipirinha (Brazilian cocktail) it was so good,I'd been thinking about it all week.

so there i was in the restaurant, i asked for a steak and caipirinha. the drink came almost immediately,

i am a very social drinker but come from a family of drinkards. as soon as u become an adult( no particular age) my uncles and aunts and my parents expect to see your boozing strenght.

so alcohol is no stranger to me.


so i fell on this drink with glee but found this one different. it wasn't as mellow as franks, this was the real deal.

the first one i tasted was made of almost same quantities of vodka sugar and lime while mine had very little lime, it had almost no sugar and seemed to have mostly cachaça(another Brazilian drink made from fermented sugar cane juice)


i was half way through it when my steak was ready but unfortunately i had forgotten to ask that it be well done. the waiter brought it to my table with a flourish and me smiling up hungrily only to see the blood.

since i still had to wait, i decided to get another drink as the caipirinha was growing on me.

by the end of the meal i had 3 glasses of caipirinha and was feeling very glad with myself.

i knew something was wrong when i got up to leave and it took extra seconds to catch up with my head.


So I'm leaving the restaurant talking to my self

Femme- omg! you are so drunk.

Self- this is not drunk, I'm just a bit tipsy, when the food catches up wit the drink, i will be fine.

Femme-stop talking and look at where u are going,

Self- I'm looking, I'm looking . you stop talking to me. these people are beginning to shift from you. meanwhile a whole guilder chick like you falling all over the place because of 3 glasses of sugar cane water.


I found this so funny I began to laugh but I stopped laughing when I realized I was standing on the escalator that was moving up when I needed to go down.

Then my phone rang, it was frank I had told him to meet me at the mall.

I leaned against a wall and described where I was then waited till he came.


Any way today is franks birthday and I didn't get him his tekken 6 but I sure had a nice time looking.
* slight exaggeration to this story

Monday, 1 October 2007

it could happen to u too.

I had a very nice weekend, it started out slow, Sunday was perfect, but Friday and Saturday were not without a little activity.


Friday
I went to the supermarket to get some things and was on the queue waiting to checkout when I  remembered my dad asked me to get him some Brazilian music. I  saw some Cds on a rack and decided to get one that looked like his type(jazz and blues). I  go pack to the counter, pay for my stuff and back home, but something was nagging at me.


hours later it hit me - i didn't pay for that c.d.

I remember walking across the counter reading the Cd's cover and apparently, I walked out of the store holding all the bags and the CD without thinking about it. I confirmed this by looking for the CD on my receipt. my Portuguese isn't perfect yet, but I'm sure CD in Portuguese will still be CD.


I  told Frank and he went on and on about being black in a racist world and being careful and blah blah. I know he is right but i didn't do it on purpose, so chill.

Saturday
we were in Ipanama and walking back home when frank see the H.Stern store and tells me he wants to get me some thing.
We go in and I chose a diamond and emerald earring and necklace  set (very green white green). The guy attending to us tells us if we pay in cash we wont have to pay certain taxes especially as we are foreigners. Frank tells him he only has 500$ on him, the agent tells us its no problem, we can pay what we have, take the set and bring back the balance later. We had been admiring the store, it was a well oiled machine, you couldn't just walk from one room to the other without the appropriate pass and security checks.  Expensive jewellery and raw(i guess) stones set a nice ambiance. There was a 'for him and her' pair of wrist watches right beside the elevator which i felt was asking for it, but saw later it was a hologram.

So frank decides to pay the 500 , return on Monday with the remaining but declined to take the jewelry. We were chauffeur driven back home because money?


Later at night we were talking and he was fiddling with his wallet when the receipt AND the fivr hundred dollar bills fell out. How he ended up not forking the money over, we don't understand.

We were both stunned.



Actually he was stunned and I  was laughing.


frank- what is funny? this is very serious.

femme-No o , let me laugh. yesterday u didn't let me rest. i was a thief abi?
today, its you and Brazilian police.

frank-stop laughing,its not funny. i dont understand what happened.

femme- when i told you i took CD by mistake, you didn't understand,
how will you understand this one? and we told that guy we are Nigerians,
by now we are probably on some Brazilian EFCC list. they will think this is
a new gimmick.

frank- that's true o. but they dropped us at home.

femme- who is to say we really live here?

frank- that man must be pissing in his pant now, because where we collect it is
no where near him and we have a receipt.


i had me a good laugh at his expense. So frank has to go back there first thing in the morning before going to work. will let u know what happened. I guess i had a nice weekend. how was yours?

happy birthday to us nigerians.


e go better!






Female and Nigerian

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