Thursday, 27 September 2007

games women play

My friends are supposed to come see me and since i invited them i havent done anything fun. every time i get an invite some where, i ask that we do it later when ndi enyi get here. i didnt go surfing last weekend because of them( even though when i was invited i was thinking 'God forbid!' surfing ke? i dont enter water that goes past my ankles ,except when i have to swim the streets of lekki.)
They (friends) have their visas and are still posting me.

I'm tired of waiting so i made this week my down with procrastination week and decided to do every thing i'm supposed to do for me for fun.

first i took out my extensions, my hair was becoming dada underneath it. i ate out,( first time in 2 months) then went to sign up for copoeira.

I got interested in copoeira when i noticed how easy it is to win with Christie at tekken . i found though that i almost never win with Eddie who is supposed to have have taught her the art.
so how is it am able to beat the same guys with Christie and not Eddie?
i thought about it long and hard and my eureka moment was every bit as dramatic as Archimedes's'.

i ve lost my train of thoughts...

ehen, copoeira...
also i want to learn it cos ive always wanted to learn something show offish.
i cant even do cart wheels and i envy girls who can.
i was directed somewhere else where they teach adult beginners, i really wanted one near home and this is Brazil for flakes sakes.
I bet there is, so i'll keep looking.

Monday, 24 September 2007


I'd never have thought the day would come when I'd search far and wide for a blog topic. usually i have a pile of stuff in my out box waiting to be published, but considering the fact that i have only manage to make my self come off as loose fingered, sticky fingered and a liar. i see I'd be doing myself a great favour if i just stopped .

So femme and frank just began samba and salsa classes.

We had been looking for a dance teacher for sometime but couldn't get one in the neighbourhood when the administration of our building announced that interested tenants could sign up for lessons which would be held at the area de lazer. we hit the jackpot when we realised it'd be just us 2 at 7 o clock, all others had signed up for 5.

Any way, i was hoping to get me some hot Latina brother to grind my waist to in synchronized rhythm and i guess frank was hoping at the very least for Patricia Bundchen(Gisele's fraternal twin) but you know how these things are.

i got the middle aged guy and frank got the gay guy.

life can be such a female dog!

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

you tube comments

its not laziness to type a new post that causing this one but i saw these comments on you tube. i just copied and pasted, i hope u understand it,maybe it'd be better to start at the end.
usually the comments when by Nigerians are full of tribal slurs, this is international.

(1 week ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
U're so wrong,go treat yourself of your KENYARITIES.
spliffveron (1 week ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
Pigeon english is an identity,it is pride,it is sewn under the epidermis of those who understand.If you don't speak it,just seal your mouth and respect,hence go try to speak the language more than the Englishman.If you succeed,then disown your heritage if it will make u happy.
hyper10shun (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
crissy dont hate appreciate, the English cant speak English to save their lives anyway lol. God bless Nigeria
crissy771 (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
am just saying the truth u can talk all u want but it is a fact nigerian english is bad
israelnonso (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
I don't i have time for someone from Bush.
hyper10shun (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
sharaaaap dere! idiots were you people born with engrish in ya mouths? stupid colonial brainwashed fools(typical kenyans and east AFRICANS)Listen we speak great english, with our beautiful languages, go hang if you don't like pigeon, i am educated and do speak the so called great English language, but some dumb Africans here think speaking English is some great priviledge, morons. Change your mindsets and embrace your Africaness dumbmudafunkes
crissy771 (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
am sorry but it is a fact pigeon english is not english.....
crissy771 (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
nope am kenyan and it is a fact only uneducated nigerian can talk pigeon english
israelnonso (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
U better do as that guy said. Jump into fire if you don't like najia English. I know u must be a Ghanaian
ayeforlife (3 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
if u dont like nigeria english u can go ahead and hang urself. idiot

*i guess the correct way to spell pidgin in pidgin language is pigeon.

Monday, 10 September 2007

phony femme

I promised a post on one of the few lies I ever told frank, so.. here it is but i'm hoping you are familiar with the preceeding story.

I've lost a cell phone in almost every imaginable way-
armed robbery, forgot two in taxis, dashed one to mammy water at kuramo on its very first day(fell into the water),
went to night class for the first time in university I don't know who sent me, was sitting right in the middle of a full class when a guy who was walking past my table suddenly reached for my bag and like superman was out of the class. The guy had serious skills mehn!
Later bought two cheap ass phones. The Sony Ericsson broke up so fast I used rubber band to hold it.
I remember ..(another gist)
But all these phones my parents either bought or I gave up something to make myself happy by indulging in a phone.
So one day, boy friend (frank)says
'OK you don't have a phone and your parents are tired of hearing that word, tell me what you want.'
I did and soon after, I got my Nokia 6260. It was a new model in Nigeria and very expensive.
But it began to have a problem with the swivel (*eh e eh, god help me, what is swivel o? you be speaking English you r not sure of, where did u get swivel from? you better check a dictionary before u publish this post).

I had a big quarrel with frank and had used the word 'break-up'. After we made up, he said 'let me get you a new one', again I got the 6260.

One month later, it was my sister's wedding, I was her chief bride's maid and really busy. In the  spirit of busyness, I forgot my phone in an uncle;s car and couldn't reach him till the next morning.
We were in the villa, one of the boys cleaned the car. well- it was never found.
Me and my miss independence. I didn't have any money of my own. I just graduated from school and ... in short no money.
My sister came in from the states and really didn't need her phone. I was the one doing the running around so I appropriated it.
Frank was out of the country and I do all the calling when he's away.
So he gets back.

Frank - What happened to your phone? I've been trying to reach you.
Femme - You know I'm busy with this wedding. This number is very important and  you know I hate two phones. I just kept it aside.
Frank - What of people that need to talk to you?
Femme - Anybody that doesn't have this number is not important.
Frank - OK o, what ever you say.

Everybody even my parents said 'just tell him, he will understand.'
But he wont understand.
When he first got his job the first thing he did was buy a very expensive wristwatch and I lost it the first week. i don't want to see that disappointment again.

Frank came to my house, he was leaving and was already at the door.

Frank - look femme, i know you've lost your phone, just tell me, i wont be mad.
Femme - please please! are you trying to spoil my day, I told you the phone is
in my room.
if you make me go upstairs just to show you the bloody phone-

Frank- OK,OK.
Femme -no o let me give you the phone, you wont let me hear word as if i cant buy phone again.

So after the wedding when Yankee people dropped whatever change they had for us, i rushed to gsm planet to get the nokia 6260.
The guy gave me the black one, I had to beg him in the name of God to look for the silver one and to his amazement, i began to scratch it on the ground so it wouldn't look so shiny and new. I took sand, rubbed all over it, then went to see Frank. Funny enough, it was the fist time he ever listened to the radio on my phone but he didn't notice anything.

Quick fast forward.
I'm doing my nysc in Abuja about 8 months later and he's in town for a meeting.
on the last day we are in the hotel foyer, he looks at me and says

'Let me get you another phone. I'm so proud of you. this one has lasted so long.'
me, I was thinking-
'which one be this?'
for the past 3 months, I had been receiving this offer regularly, but my guilt no gree me.

So i told him- hahahaha
I can still see his face.

Friday, 7 September 2007

an effort to understand me

So many post out there written by people who had bad or terrible teenage years. teased and taunted by classmates, siblings and sometimes even parents.
I remember going through all these too but...

I think I've always been a shy person, but the funny thing is no one I know believes this statement (except maybe my mother-in-law, i don't know why I'm shy with her)
growing up I made myself bold, I was the one who always said the one thing nobody wanted to say. I was the one who stood up in JSS2 and talked about sex,periods and pubic hair in biology class. I represented my school a lot in science competitions not because i knew anything about making paper from waste or whatever they were on about, but because the geeks just couldn't present their own ideas as well as I did. I knew to leave questions and answer time to them though.
I was also the girl at the party dancing foolishly and making an ass of myself just to make people chill.
But the truth that I managed to hide from the outside world was how much I quaked in side before I volunteered for anything.

In university I was the man hater who always had a come back for the guys. I was almost never linked to any guys and we(me and friend) were almost always together, I gather many assumed i was a lesbian (my best friend and I were both dating best friends back home)
I was the one who argued with the lecturer and held the class up while others gave me looks that could kill.
I realize now my only telltale signs are the fact that I walk with my head looking down or with a finger pretending to flick away something on my face.
I don't think I've ever been bullied, nobody would dare, I had one of those sharp mouths you didn't want to mess with.
But being shy is not the same as having a low self esteem or is it?
All my life I've heard people say 'I wish i was as bold as you' but in reality I'm a fraud.

*but so?
what does writing about this mean,it wont influence the price of garri in tejuosho.
expecting a flash of light with our analytic skills are we?

ant believe brian won big brother and he really doesnt know who shakespear is. hilarious.

Thursday, 6 September 2007

The quality of mercy is indeed strange

University was fun for me because I wasn't reading law like my dad wanted, I was going to read English and Literary Studies. like I've said in an earlier post, I hated my English classes but was the top of my game with literature.
In my first class in school ( I resumed for the semester about 2 weeks late, I didn't miss much but I learnt later that this one lecturer didn't miss his classes unless he absolutely had to. If you know anything about Nigerian lecturers, you need to be grateful if you actually see them.

Anyway, I'm in my first class and ready to show what I can do. when he comes in. He will hence forth be known as Prof.
I already had a friend who became one of my two best friends( let's call her Sarah)
So the lecturer starts to talk and talk about a play(I know it was by Esiaba Irobi but cant remember the title), then he stops and asks if anyone has a question.
I was about raise my hand when my new friend looks at me and says
'Don't think about it, no matter what you ask, he'll just eat you raw.'
Then this other guy who apparently was new too, stands up and says

'But please sir, what exactly are the major themes of the drama?'

Prof who had been smiling through out his lecture suddenly takes on a deadly look,the first of many.

'I don't know what government approved community secondary school you graduated from, but this is the last time I will say this; I WILL NOT ANSWER SUCH QUESTIONS. If you still want themes and plots, you'd do well to get your ass out of my class now'.
Mehn! Cold catch every body.

He asked 2 girls to leave the class and not return till the next semestre, they were giggling over one of those things girls giggle at in classes( one of them later became my other best friend)

Through out my first semester I never said anything in class except once when my sister came to visit and was standing out side. I did it because I wanted to show off and because I knew I had a good grasp of what the Prof was on about that day.
So I laid low my first semester 'learning' the guy and what he liked.
It was time for my first exams in the university and I was very excited. I read every thing over and over again, but when it comes to literature, I have a big problem-
I can't cram. I can read things and explain them but i have to say it in my own way. This means I cant quote anyone.
The most I can do is 4 lines and that is me trying really really hard.
So I'm writing and writing but I know I have to throw in some lines to buttress my points and show I know what the f**k I'm talking about. So I whisper to sarah.

femme- 'tell me the line where Portia talks about mercy and shit'
sarah- 'Ssshhhh! she said 'the quality of mercy is not strained'femme- 'mercy is not what?'
sarah- 'mercy is not strained o!'
femme-'oh! okay , thanks.'

Meanwhile I write - the quality of mercy is not strange.

I've always been a very fast writer and even though it was a three hour paper, I was through in half the allocated time.
 I get up to leave when Prof comes over , and begins to read what I've written over my shoulder, then he says in his frightening drawl
'Even if you have written your life's masterpiece, the best this will get you is a C'
I was really pissed. I like to go to the point and I had said everything there was to say.
I sat down and added three more lines, doodled a bit and left.

Years later, I'm about to graduate from school and take my project to the same prof who was my supervisor to sign and he says
'You've done very well and have grown linearly from Cs to Bs and in your final years As.'

This was a big deal coming from someone we all respected.

I smile and reply smugly.
'Actually sir, I made my first A in my first semestre. I was the only one who made an A in the department.'

Isnt it nice to have the final word?

Female and Nigerian

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Semi retired feminist, closet online shopaholic, avid googler, unapologetic foodie who refuses to count calories until they are an acceptable means of barter.

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