Tuesday, 4 December 2007


Wow! There is nothing like going away to give you little perspective.

I cant believe I actually missed Rio, after all my bitching. I'm actually glad to be back, but lets see how long that lasts.

Sierra Leone was a wonderful experience for me. I've always been a bit myopic about visiting other African countries. I just never got the point. I always felt like we'd all be the same.In many ways we probably are, but our different colonial and especially post colonial experiences make our general auras very different.

The new president was being inaugurated the day we got to Freetown. I was surprised to see the people happy and celebratory. All I could think was ''WHY''?
''What are u people happy about''?

The celebrating and cheering on the streets reinforced my old Nigeria feeling. Sierra Leone looked like the pictures of Nigeria in the 60s. Nigerians celebrating at independence, hopeful and thinking in terms of new beginnings.
Old Nigeria.
Old Nigerians.
We know better now.

We stayed in Freetown for 2 days and there wasn't any electricity. A boy at the hotel assured us power would return on the 20th of DEC, and we Nigerians laughed.

They actually still believe.

Nice huh?

To get into Freetown from the airport, we took a ferry. Even though I never appreciate not being on solid ground, I actually liked the ride because again I felt a connection to my dad and his stories of taking the ferry across the river Niger before the bridge in Onitsha was built.

As regards ambiance, what is it about Nigeria or Nigerians that scares oyibos? In S.L, I noticed other ''colours'' walking and doing stuff, without fear. I hear the same is true for Ghana. But oyibos in naija are always jumpy and behave like someone is going to slap them just for being.(That's not to say I haven't seen that).

I expected a brimming -with- violence- post war Sierra Leone especially with so many of the youths without work. Can you imagine oyibo coming to Nigeria and staying in a minus one star hotel in Mushin or Ejigbo, using danfos, eating in bukas, making friends with the locals.

The people are hopeful, they have a new president. Sierra Leonians(?) used to be Africa's elite. Let's hope this new beginning is really worth the hope and keep our Nigerian cynicism to ourselves.

What do u think is on this guy's mind?
I missed blogging.

Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Thanks a bunch

Hi people,
thanks for all the messages. Just saw them all today as i haven't had time or the opportunity to use the web.
Everything is wonderful and right now I'm in Abuja. It's such a different atmosphere(of course I mean compared to Lagos)

I have plenty gist as the burial was in sierra Leone. It was a whole new experience for me as I'd never been in any other African country.
Can't wait to start my blog rounds.
Hope you are all fine.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

some beckham hate over here

What the hell so he is going to Cali
Let him go to play soccer. that's the perfect way of saying he has nothing to offer to the football world the guy cant play for shi , leave all this fine boy denge posing, him and his tooth pick wife.
bend it like beckham ko!
Football is no place for fine boyness, -well except for hot hot hot Freddie.
If you don't look like my Freddie you might as well be Taribo West.
After reading snazzy's article on bias today IIknow why I'm biased against the guy but bias or not in spite of all the hype, that's all he is -one big hype.
George Best said it so perfectly

"He (Beckham) cannot kick with his left foot, he cannot head a ball, he cannot tackle and he doesn't score many goals. Apart from that he's all right."

Hollywood beckons! go do what sissies who like to wear wify's undies do.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007


I've been looking forward to going home to Nigeria for along time and we were scheduled for the 16th of december but today i had to go to get an emergency transit visa because we have to be in Nigeria by friday. why?


I dont know if its okay to say its okay she died now, because to me, she died perfect.
I'll never be able to say anything negative about her.
I had the world's best mother in law.
Everytime i called her she'd answer the phone by singing
''you are my sweetie
my darling''
and ended most calls with
''i love you o.''
I never knew wat to say to this and always said thank you.

When frank and i were still dating and I sneaked into town from school, she'd make 2 bowls of soup and stew and sometimes threw in some yams because she knew there was a chance my dad would catch me if i had to go to the market.
She was always cooking and feeding people looking for free food. After we married she thought she she should stop cooking for us as it wasnt her 'place'. But I like awoof too.

She gave me one of the best compiliments of my life and always made me feel essentially 'good'.
When Frank and i quarreled, she always took my side and would say '' you want another man's daughter to suffer in your house abi?''

I spoke to her last week and she said she was only calling because she was watching a nollywood film called MOTHER-IN -LAW, and was only calling to ''look for my trouble''.

she'd have been 55 january 1st.

I hope she is fine now.

I don't know if I should be worried about frank.
He seems fine.

Monday, 5 November 2007

NIG-ARG ...5-3

'U' and I went to watch Nigeria play Argentina in Copacabana beach(FIFA cup beach soccer) hoping to get the chance to meet other Nigerians, sing all those Nigerian gyrating songs at the top of our lungs. but when we got to the site we couldn't find any Nigerians and so had to make our own Nigerian fan club. Unfortunately all our shaking and screaming could only garner one supporter-a little boy shouting "UP NAIJA" with us.
Luckily, Nigeria won the game, so it didn't matter that we were the only ones screaming and looking rather foolish.

the Brazilian cheerleaders

sorry about the poor resolution of the pictures. i took them with my cork and shoot camera.

Tuesday, 30 October 2007


People, unfortunately I have nothing to go on about here. At least nothing interesting.
The only good news in my life is one of my friends is here and braided my hair and so I look half decent and have returned to my status as a local champion. The other couldnt make it as she just landed a new job.
I've found getting cat calls and dirty words in a foreign language is not so bad.
My dance classes are ok. 'cept my teacher is tapping enough current outta me for me to drop the gay theory. I think i have enough grainy videos of my lessons on my phone to post safely without being recognised.
We'll see.
We took a pictures of this hot guy at the beach yesterday with very serious abs and the plan is to tinker with it on photoshop till minha amiga looks like she is in his arms.
Any way, we are off to the beach again.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Virgin Mother...so cliché

Recent posts in some blogs have been concerned with the modern(Nigerian)woman vis á vis her relationships, money and morality.

Is the Nigerian woman virtue-deficient as a whole?

I think not.

Alongside the blare of cable television introducing our society to everything western are our mothers screams. They are our constant reminders of what it means to be ''African''.

don't show your belly button

don't talk to a man first

cross your legs when you sit

the man is the head of the family

that skirt is way too short

go to school

*but while you are it look for a man.

many of us choose what we listen to and what to discard as ''old school''.

It is my opinion that the emerging hybrid of womanhood is still innately African. She may flaunt her modernism by being blatantly sexual, garner degrees and accolades longer than her traditional name.She may succumb to western 'frivolities' unheard of mere years ago, like boasting of her ability to order in, and holy of hollies-earn more money than her man.

Has that made her different? Are we unlike our mothers?

Mothers to be and mothers today. Or was her image a façade?

Do you think she didn't scheme and made sure the village wrestler caught her eye after he won the fight then sneak over to ''Amalinze's'' hut when her own man was past his prime?(sorry, i think that was my granny)

Recently,I was chatting with an old friend and used the F word and was surprised when I was reprimanded. I asked him why because he knew I was a cusser (albeit a light one), his answer was that I am married now.


When did being married bestow virtues?
I must have missed that class.

My point here just incase it went over some heads, is that just like i will beat the hell outta any child of mine for using the f word, our mothers were naughty too. But our men seem to think them the epitome(pronounced ipitəmē) of sainthood. they had 'bad' girls in the villages willing to be married off to the village chief for social status and comfort, arent 'these' aristo fore runners?
Every visit to my granny ends with prayers for me and future husband and blah blah. I am told not to follow men with money but to look for a God fearing man. Then one day I tell my granny I have a boyfriend and we want to get married, to my amazement, mama wanted to know if he had money? When I said jokingly that money doesnt matter, she laughed the laugh of age.

You see? We are no worse than our mothers.
Guys, forgive the inebriation of youth, our tank tops and tongs will pass, we will wash our potty mouths with ariel,we will clasp our rosaries to our lips in fervent prayer and then we will become your mothers.
Okwaya o wu ihe unu choro?
or will we?

On a lighter note,
Guys, if you could only have 2 qualities out of these 3, what would it be?(but comment on the above first)
  1. She is miss world beautiful, and sex is always a trip to shangri-la

  2. She cooks better than your mother(we are assuming ya mama sabi cook)

  3. The house and your clothes are always spotless.

Monday, 8 October 2007

I need more black

They've begun a new cycle of Brazil's next top model and I decided to watch it this week. I was surprised to find one black (real black) girl and two mullatas.

the show began and of course the dark skinned girls got next to no air time. In fact the only time they actually speak to the camera is when there is a quarrel because one of the girls called a half caste a mullata and she didn't like it. The word for black is negro for men and negra the feminine version, the half castes are mullatos and mullatas.

the one thing Brazil manages not to tell the world when they invite you to their beaches is that dark skinned is not so welcome.

Every time  am out, I find I only get respect when  they hear me speak in English and this annoys me- and then they ask with gushing smiles if I am American.



The last time I was in a store and couldnt explain what I wanted, I was determined not to speak English and instead of the usual ''voce fala ingles?''. I said ''o nwere onye na su Igbo ebaa?''

Of course the woman went blank and then she asked me if I was Jamaican.

"Eu sou Nigeriana.''

I am black and that's it.

I hear they have other states where the blacks are concentrated, but here the blacks are so lack lustre, they have no vibe. I see them slink to work everyday, cleaners, delivery boys, maids.(office jobs like secretaries, receptionist and even waiters are usually reserved for the Indians and other colours in between) .
I want to scream at them-
Wake up! black people are funky,we have a pizazz, we do everything with style, a little sumsum, efizi, get jiggy with it. Any thing. JUST WAKE UP.
Even though i also feel like since i don't know any thing about the history and struggles here,i shouldn't be quick to judge but with all the Americans have done in their quest for racial integration, it ought to be a whole lot better.

 I should read up Afro-Brazilian history

In the very first episode of the show (BNTM) the only black girl was removed. i guess it's better she was eliminated now, I bet they didn't even think of make up and hair for her.

Don't even get me started on the hair for the blacks. The only girl I have seen here with nice hair was sitting and eating in a mall(which is even strange), if she was walking or shopping, i'd have asked her where she did it but chances are she's a foreigner too. (my foolish friends still haven't come, one is supposed to braid my hair)

I am told they have magazines for black women and still haven't seen one.

Thank God I receive my TRUE LOVE here.

What annoys me about this is that Brazil has the 2nd largest black population ( I was stupid enough to ask which country has the first, yep I'm dumb like that)
It is true that Brazilians are very friendly but I always feel like something is missing.
 I think they are trained to sell their country to foreigners. Once somebody said something that explained this perfectly. He said Brazilians are like the Christ the Redeemer statue. They welcome you with open arms but will never embrace you.


Any ways, this is definitely not a place to raise my kids(except if they come out white ).
I cant wait to delve into the sea of blackness that I call home.

Nigeria is shitty but its home

* For non Nigerian readers-
'Half caste' is P.C in Nigeria.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

mmaya and i

This year, for the first time in a long time, I knew what the perfect gift for Frank's birthday would be. I'd been hoping it would be available even as I knew it wouldn't.

Today is his birthday and yesterday I decided to go find something ...any thing.

the perfect gift for femme's frank this year would be tekken six.

He has been waiting for it like a child for Christmas.

You see Femme's Frank fancies himself the worlds best tekken player and I assure you if we could translate the time he puts into it, we just might be on Forbes's list (or maybe Networth's list of richest blacks)

so I went from store to store looking and after 2 hours i had bought a beautiful rug i just couldn't leave behind and Erica Jong's SEDUCING THE DEMON.

i decided to take a break. it was my first meal of the day and it was already past 4 so i was really hungry but interestingly i felt the itch for alcohol(can alcoholic craving be an itch?).

femme and frank had been out last weekend and i tasted his caipirinha (Brazilian cocktail) it was so good,I'd been thinking about it all week.

so there i was in the restaurant, i asked for a steak and caipirinha. the drink came almost immediately,

i am a very social drinker but come from a family of drinkards. as soon as u become an adult( no particular age) my uncles and aunts and my parents expect to see your boozing strenght.

so alcohol is no stranger to me.

so i fell on this drink with glee but found this one different. it wasn't as mellow as franks, this was the real deal.

the first one i tasted was made of almost same quantities of vodka sugar and lime while mine had very little lime, it had almost no sugar and seemed to have mostly cachaça(another Brazilian drink made from fermented sugar cane juice)

i was half way through it when my steak was ready but unfortunately i had forgotten to ask that it be well done. the waiter brought it to my table with a flourish and me smiling up hungrily only to see the blood.

since i still had to wait, i decided to get another drink as the caipirinha was growing on me.

by the end of the meal i had 3 glasses of caipirinha and was feeling very glad with myself.

i knew something was wrong when i got up to leave and it took extra seconds to catch up with my head.

So I'm leaving the restaurant talking to my self

Femme- omg! you are so drunk.

Self- this is not drunk, I'm just a bit tipsy, when the food catches up wit the drink, i will be fine.

Femme-stop talking and look at where u are going,

Self- I'm looking, I'm looking . you stop talking to me. these people are beginning to shift from you. meanwhile a whole guilder chick like you falling all over the place because of 3 glasses of sugar cane water.

I found this so funny I began to laugh but I stopped laughing when I realized I was standing on the escalator that was moving up when I needed to go down.

Then my phone rang, it was frank I had told him to meet me at the mall.

I leaned against a wall and described where I was then waited till he came.

Any way today is franks birthday and I didn't get him his tekken 6 but I sure had a nice time looking.
* slight exaggeration to this story

Monday, 1 October 2007

it could happen to u too.

I had a very nice weekend, it started out slow, Sunday was perfect, but Friday and Saturday were not without a little activity.

I went to the supermarket to get some things and was on the queue waiting to checkout when I  remembered my dad asked me to get him some Brazilian music. I  saw some Cds on a rack and decided to get one that looked like his type(jazz and blues). I  go pack to the counter, pay for my stuff and back home, but something was nagging at me.

hours later it hit me - i didn't pay for that c.d.

I remember walking across the counter reading the Cd's cover and apparently, I walked out of the store holding all the bags and the CD without thinking about it. I confirmed this by looking for the CD on my receipt. my Portuguese isn't perfect yet, but I'm sure CD in Portuguese will still be CD.

I  told Frank and he went on and on about being black in a racist world and being careful and blah blah. I know he is right but i didn't do it on purpose, so chill.

we were in Ipanama and walking back home when frank see the H.Stern store and tells me he wants to get me some thing.
We go in and I chose a diamond and emerald earring and necklace  set (very green white green). The guy attending to us tells us if we pay in cash we wont have to pay certain taxes especially as we are foreigners. Frank tells him he only has 500$ on him, the agent tells us its no problem, we can pay what we have, take the set and bring back the balance later. We had been admiring the store, it was a well oiled machine, you couldn't just walk from one room to the other without the appropriate pass and security checks.  Expensive jewellery and raw(i guess) stones set a nice ambiance. There was a 'for him and her' pair of wrist watches right beside the elevator which i felt was asking for it, but saw later it was a hologram.

So frank decides to pay the 500 , return on Monday with the remaining but declined to take the jewelry. We were chauffeur driven back home because money?

Later at night we were talking and he was fiddling with his wallet when the receipt AND the fivr hundred dollar bills fell out. How he ended up not forking the money over, we don't understand.

We were both stunned.

Actually he was stunned and I  was laughing.

frank- what is funny? this is very serious.

femme-No o , let me laugh. yesterday u didn't let me rest. i was a thief abi?
today, its you and Brazilian police.

frank-stop laughing,its not funny. i dont understand what happened.

femme- when i told you i took CD by mistake, you didn't understand,
how will you understand this one? and we told that guy we are Nigerians,
by now we are probably on some Brazilian EFCC list. they will think this is
a new gimmick.

frank- that's true o. but they dropped us at home.

femme- who is to say we really live here?

frank- that man must be pissing in his pant now, because where we collect it is
no where near him and we have a receipt.

i had me a good laugh at his expense. So frank has to go back there first thing in the morning before going to work. will let u know what happened. I guess i had a nice weekend. how was yours?

happy birthday to us nigerians.

e go better!

Thursday, 27 September 2007

games women play

My friends are supposed to come see me and since i invited them i havent done anything fun. every time i get an invite some where, i ask that we do it later when ndi enyi get here. i didnt go surfing last weekend because of them( even though when i was invited i was thinking 'God forbid!' surfing ke? i dont enter water that goes past my ankles ,except when i have to swim the streets of lekki.)
They (friends) have their visas and are still posting me.

I'm tired of waiting so i made this week my down with procrastination week and decided to do every thing i'm supposed to do for me for fun.

first i took out my extensions, my hair was becoming dada underneath it. i ate out,( first time in 2 months) then went to sign up for copoeira.

I got interested in copoeira when i noticed how easy it is to win with Christie at tekken . i found though that i almost never win with Eddie who is supposed to have have taught her the art.
so how is it am able to beat the same guys with Christie and not Eddie?
i thought about it long and hard and my eureka moment was every bit as dramatic as Archimedes's'.

i ve lost my train of thoughts...

ehen, copoeira...
also i want to learn it cos ive always wanted to learn something show offish.
i cant even do cart wheels and i envy girls who can.
i was directed somewhere else where they teach adult beginners, i really wanted one near home and this is Brazil for flakes sakes.
I bet there is, so i'll keep looking.

Monday, 24 September 2007


I'd never have thought the day would come when I'd search far and wide for a blog topic. usually i have a pile of stuff in my out box waiting to be published, but considering the fact that i have only manage to make my self come off as loose fingered, sticky fingered and a liar. i see I'd be doing myself a great favour if i just stopped .

So femme and frank just began samba and salsa classes.

We had been looking for a dance teacher for sometime but couldn't get one in the neighbourhood when the administration of our building announced that interested tenants could sign up for lessons which would be held at the area de lazer. we hit the jackpot when we realised it'd be just us 2 at 7 o clock, all others had signed up for 5.

Any way, i was hoping to get me some hot Latina brother to grind my waist to in synchronized rhythm and i guess frank was hoping at the very least for Patricia Bundchen(Gisele's fraternal twin) but you know how these things are.

i got the middle aged guy and frank got the gay guy.

life can be such a female dog!

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

you tube comments

its not laziness to type a new post that causing this one but i saw these comments on you tube. i just copied and pasted, i hope u understand it,maybe it'd be better to start at the end.
usually the comments when by Nigerians are full of tribal slurs, this is international.

(1 week ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
U're so wrong,go treat yourself of your KENYARITIES.
spliffveron (1 week ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
Pigeon english is an identity,it is pride,it is sewn under the epidermis of those who understand.If you don't speak it,just seal your mouth and respect,hence go try to speak the language more than the Englishman.If you succeed,then disown your heritage if it will make u happy.
hyper10shun (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
crissy dont hate appreciate, the English cant speak English to save their lives anyway lol. God bless Nigeria
crissy771 (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
am just saying the truth u can talk all u want but it is a fact nigerian english is bad
israelnonso (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
I don't i have time for someone from Bush.
hyper10shun (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
sharaaaap dere! idiots were you people born with engrish in ya mouths? stupid colonial brainwashed fools(typical kenyans and east AFRICANS)Listen we speak great english, with our beautiful languages, go hang if you don't like pigeon, i am educated and do speak the so called great English language, but some dumb Africans here think speaking English is some great priviledge, morons. Change your mindsets and embrace your Africaness dumbmudafunkes
crissy771 (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
am sorry but it is a fact pigeon english is not english.....
crissy771 (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
nope am kenyan and it is a fact only uneducated nigerian can talk pigeon english
israelnonso (2 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
U better do as that guy said. Jump into fire if you don't like najia English. I know u must be a Ghanaian
ayeforlife (3 weeks ago)
0 Poor comment Good comment
(Reply) (Spam)
if u dont like nigeria english u can go ahead and hang urself. idiot

*i guess the correct way to spell pidgin in pidgin language is pigeon.

Monday, 10 September 2007

phony femme

I promised a post on one of the few lies I ever told frank, so.. here it is but i'm hoping you are familiar with the preceeding story.

I've lost a cell phone in almost every imaginable way-
armed robbery, forgot two in taxis, dashed one to mammy water at kuramo on its very first day(fell into the water),
went to night class for the first time in university I don't know who sent me, was sitting right in the middle of a full class when a guy who was walking past my table suddenly reached for my bag and like superman was out of the class. The guy had serious skills mehn!
Later bought two cheap ass phones. The Sony Ericsson broke up so fast I used rubber band to hold it.
I remember ..(another gist)
But all these phones my parents either bought or I gave up something to make myself happy by indulging in a phone.
So one day, boy friend (frank)says
'OK you don't have a phone and your parents are tired of hearing that word, tell me what you want.'
I did and soon after, I got my Nokia 6260. It was a new model in Nigeria and very expensive.
But it began to have a problem with the swivel (*eh e eh, god help me, what is swivel o? you be speaking English you r not sure of, where did u get swivel from? you better check a dictionary before u publish this post).

I had a big quarrel with frank and had used the word 'break-up'. After we made up, he said 'let me get you a new one', again I got the 6260.

One month later, it was my sister's wedding, I was her chief bride's maid and really busy. In the  spirit of busyness, I forgot my phone in an uncle;s car and couldn't reach him till the next morning.
We were in the villa, one of the boys cleaned the car. well- it was never found.
Me and my miss independence. I didn't have any money of my own. I just graduated from school and ... in short no money.
My sister came in from the states and really didn't need her phone. I was the one doing the running around so I appropriated it.
Frank was out of the country and I do all the calling when he's away.
So he gets back.

Frank - What happened to your phone? I've been trying to reach you.
Femme - You know I'm busy with this wedding. This number is very important and  you know I hate two phones. I just kept it aside.
Frank - What of people that need to talk to you?
Femme - Anybody that doesn't have this number is not important.
Frank - OK o, what ever you say.

Everybody even my parents said 'just tell him, he will understand.'
But he wont understand.
When he first got his job the first thing he did was buy a very expensive wristwatch and I lost it the first week. i don't want to see that disappointment again.

Frank came to my house, he was leaving and was already at the door.

Frank - look femme, i know you've lost your phone, just tell me, i wont be mad.
Femme - please please! are you trying to spoil my day, I told you the phone is
in my room.
if you make me go upstairs just to show you the bloody phone-

Frank- OK,OK.
Femme -no o let me give you the phone, you wont let me hear word as if i cant buy phone again.

So after the wedding when Yankee people dropped whatever change they had for us, i rushed to gsm planet to get the nokia 6260.
The guy gave me the black one, I had to beg him in the name of God to look for the silver one and to his amazement, i began to scratch it on the ground so it wouldn't look so shiny and new. I took sand, rubbed all over it, then went to see Frank. Funny enough, it was the fist time he ever listened to the radio on my phone but he didn't notice anything.

Quick fast forward.
I'm doing my nysc in Abuja about 8 months later and he's in town for a meeting.
on the last day we are in the hotel foyer, he looks at me and says

'Let me get you another phone. I'm so proud of you. this one has lasted so long.'
me, I was thinking-
'which one be this?'
for the past 3 months, I had been receiving this offer regularly, but my guilt no gree me.

So i told him- hahahaha
I can still see his face.

Friday, 7 September 2007

an effort to understand me

So many post out there written by people who had bad or terrible teenage years. teased and taunted by classmates, siblings and sometimes even parents.
I remember going through all these too but...

I think I've always been a shy person, but the funny thing is no one I know believes this statement (except maybe my mother-in-law, i don't know why I'm shy with her)
growing up I made myself bold, I was the one who always said the one thing nobody wanted to say. I was the one who stood up in JSS2 and talked about sex,periods and pubic hair in biology class. I represented my school a lot in science competitions not because i knew anything about making paper from waste or whatever they were on about, but because the geeks just couldn't present their own ideas as well as I did. I knew to leave questions and answer time to them though.
I was also the girl at the party dancing foolishly and making an ass of myself just to make people chill.
But the truth that I managed to hide from the outside world was how much I quaked in side before I volunteered for anything.

In university I was the man hater who always had a come back for the guys. I was almost never linked to any guys and we(me and friend) were almost always together, I gather many assumed i was a lesbian (my best friend and I were both dating best friends back home)
I was the one who argued with the lecturer and held the class up while others gave me looks that could kill.
I realize now my only telltale signs are the fact that I walk with my head looking down or with a finger pretending to flick away something on my face.
I don't think I've ever been bullied, nobody would dare, I had one of those sharp mouths you didn't want to mess with.
But being shy is not the same as having a low self esteem or is it?
All my life I've heard people say 'I wish i was as bold as you' but in reality I'm a fraud.

*but so?
what does writing about this mean,it wont influence the price of garri in tejuosho.
expecting a flash of light with our analytic skills are we?

ant believe brian won big brother and he really doesnt know who shakespear is. hilarious.

Thursday, 6 September 2007

The quality of mercy is indeed strange

University was fun for me because I wasn't reading law like my dad wanted, I was going to read English and Literary Studies. like I've said in an earlier post, I hated my English classes but was the top of my game with literature.
In my first class in school ( I resumed for the semester about 2 weeks late, I didn't miss much but I learnt later that this one lecturer didn't miss his classes unless he absolutely had to. If you know anything about Nigerian lecturers, you need to be grateful if you actually see them.

Anyway, I'm in my first class and ready to show what I can do. when he comes in. He will hence forth be known as Prof.
I already had a friend who became one of my two best friends( let's call her Sarah)
So the lecturer starts to talk and talk about a play(I know it was by Esiaba Irobi but cant remember the title), then he stops and asks if anyone has a question.
I was about raise my hand when my new friend looks at me and says
'Don't think about it, no matter what you ask, he'll just eat you raw.'
Then this other guy who apparently was new too, stands up and says

'But please sir, what exactly are the major themes of the drama?'

Prof who had been smiling through out his lecture suddenly takes on a deadly look,the first of many.

'I don't know what government approved community secondary school you graduated from, but this is the last time I will say this; I WILL NOT ANSWER SUCH QUESTIONS. If you still want themes and plots, you'd do well to get your ass out of my class now'.
Mehn! Cold catch every body.

He asked 2 girls to leave the class and not return till the next semestre, they were giggling over one of those things girls giggle at in classes( one of them later became my other best friend)

Through out my first semester I never said anything in class except once when my sister came to visit and was standing out side. I did it because I wanted to show off and because I knew I had a good grasp of what the Prof was on about that day.
So I laid low my first semester 'learning' the guy and what he liked.
It was time for my first exams in the university and I was very excited. I read every thing over and over again, but when it comes to literature, I have a big problem-
I can't cram. I can read things and explain them but i have to say it in my own way. This means I cant quote anyone.
The most I can do is 4 lines and that is me trying really really hard.
So I'm writing and writing but I know I have to throw in some lines to buttress my points and show I know what the f**k I'm talking about. So I whisper to sarah.

femme- 'tell me the line where Portia talks about mercy and shit'
sarah- 'Ssshhhh! she said 'the quality of mercy is not strained'femme- 'mercy is not what?'
sarah- 'mercy is not strained o!'
femme-'oh! okay , thanks.'

Meanwhile I write - the quality of mercy is not strange.

I've always been a very fast writer and even though it was a three hour paper, I was through in half the allocated time.
 I get up to leave when Prof comes over , and begins to read what I've written over my shoulder, then he says in his frightening drawl
'Even if you have written your life's masterpiece, the best this will get you is a C'
I was really pissed. I like to go to the point and I had said everything there was to say.
I sat down and added three more lines, doodled a bit and left.

Years later, I'm about to graduate from school and take my project to the same prof who was my supervisor to sign and he says
'You've done very well and have grown linearly from Cs to Bs and in your final years As.'

This was a big deal coming from someone we all respected.

I smile and reply smugly.
'Actually sir, I made my first A in my first semestre. I was the only one who made an A in the department.'

Isnt it nice to have the final word?

Female and Nigerian

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Semi retired feminist, closet online shopaholic, avid googler, unapologetic foodie who refuses to count calories until they are an acceptable means of barter.

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