femme and frank

TV Guide

2011-11-25T14:50:00.001-02:00

So everyday something silly happens or I come across something weird and think I should blog about that,but I never do. It just feels like so much wahala to actually turn on the laptop. Unfortunately I find I almost always think that when I see nonsense on TV. I think i watch way too much tv, even my father-in-law yabbed me last weekend that I seemed to be watching much more of the nickelodeon than my son, just because I was singing the Power Rangers theme song(ok, I am ashamed of myself)But please who else is watching Tinsel with me o?While most of the characters have always been a bit.. too much, Salewe I don't get. And the fine smallie 'they' are wasting on her. hmmm.It's sad that for a Nigerian show the best actor is Ghanaian. I like Gideon too,although his wardrobe like most things in Tinsel does not match his status.

Nigerian girl raped on video

2011-09-21T18:54:00.000-03:00

Frank played truant from work today to take me go kart racing. Driving is the only time I listen to the radio and I came across a lady talking and crying on a radio station, I didn't know what the topic was but her choice of words made me think rape. She was talking about being a mother and how she hoped the boys would be brought to justice. Anyway I got home, and with some words on google found links to a video of a young girl being raped by 5 guys. No I do not have a link, I didn't even want to watch it. Blogs like Linda Ikeji's had a lot of information and featured the angry comments of disgusted and disillusioned Nigerians afraid that nothing will come of the digital cry out and the prerequisite idiots who wonder aloud what the girl did to the guys before she was raped.hmmm.. Sad.Right now the only hope i have about this case is from the woman on the radio saying (honorable) Abike Dabiri and Funmi Iyanda have decided to look into the matter because the truth is the men will not.The rape allegedly took place in ABSU(Abia State University, Uturu) and the vice chancellor's statement is that there is no way this happened in his school.It doesn't matter where this happened, rape and beastiality is not just a Nigerian thing, humans are cruel everywhere. It's also sad that the boys one of whom is a fourth year law student, felt confident enough to video their actions in THESE times and let it get viral. I hope their stupidity takes a big chunk of their asses.

Agaracha

2011-08-17T07:55:00.003-03:00

Where do I even start. It's been for ever.
But I've decided to come back to blogging. its been.. definitively more than a minute.
Things have changed since my last posts.
I've moved back to Nigeria and now have two kids, so definitely see life from a different perspective. and er.. no. just because I have kids now doesn't make this a mummy blog. I do not intend to tell you how lovely my children are(the lovliest) or how my son said the cutest thing the other day(he really did)or about the cutest pink and brown baby shoes my daughter wore last Saturday.(I swear they were the cutest.)
Ok,Ok.

So why am I back?
I read a couple of my old posts,it was funny remembering where I was at different points in my life and I figured it would be a good idea to have somewhere I can go a-ranting again. It would be nice to have somewhere where I can talk to other people about Louis Theroux's 'Law and Disorder' in Lagos or bitch about Asa's new sellout videos.
So i'm back for real this time and will try to post regularly

2008-11-09T14:01:00.001-02:00

hey everybody, it is been a minute.I have no excuses for my absense

rio carnival

2008-02-04T16:41:00.001-02:00

and now- the good stuff

just found out one of these chics hopes to set a record for plastic surgeries dancing before thundering drummers in a tribute to the first wave of Japanese immigration to Brazil 100 years ago. I don't think it's this one though.

The 36-year-old star Angela Bismarchi — who had her eyelids surgically altered to look Asian. Wearing little more than silver body paint and black feathered wings, underwent her 42nd cosmetic surgery last week, as she closes in on the Guinness World Record of 47 procedures, held by an American.

Femme says Well done! More grease to all your body parts.

because we dont mind other points of views.

rio carnival in santa teresa and botafogo, Nigeria vs. Ghana and...

2008-01-22T12:13:00.001-02:00

So Afrobabe has been on my case- its not like i have forgotton blogosphere, i was tagged to do the 7 weired things post by Nneoma and gueirre.... i started but cant think of any more.

carnival started yesterday. finally brasilians are winning me over. its just one big party. imagine the whole of lagos in a drunken haze, dancing on the streets , wierd costumes, and believe me i have seen enough breasts on display to make babies understand those things make adults happy too.

this isnt the main carnival o, just a street party.

a woman was throwing down biscuits and chocolates to the delighted crowd

thats me. i and frank lagging behind with his friends ahead and you bet your ass he is wearing a t. shirt. it was a long walk down santa terésa which is on a hill.

so 7 wierd things about me( i stopped at 3 though)

for a nigerian, i always think about the negatives first. you know how people dont want to think of bad things, or say 'God forbid' first as if that cancells it out? i dont understand this. like once i was like -'' dady u need to take a new portrait picture because when u die we need to have a picture of u to use for the funeral.

i have a thing for bad smells. i always want to know where they come from. Sorry but i wont elaborate.

my other thing is finger nails. im very vain about my nails. i really have nice nails(not the clawy type), just really nice french manicure-ish nails. i think my emotions are connected to my nails, if i break a nail, i wonder whats wrong in my life? as i child, i used to make other children line up and i'd clean thier nails. I HATE DIRTY NAILS. Now i only have frank's nails to clean( we have agreed i cant do it in public any more, no matter how much it irks me.)

I am about to post this but the Nigeria - Ghana match has started. we know we are @#$% ups but who knows?

Yesterday was Iyemanja's day too and like one or two people noted, true true na mammy water. i wanted to see the ceremony but we couldnt get back to copacabana beach in time.

Its my birthday tomorrow so yay!!

just remebered one more wierd thing.

4. I poo poo only once a week.

thats a nice way to end the post i think.

Afrobabe- hope you are happy now ?

too hot to be cool

2008-01-08T17:26:00.001-02:00

Apparently 2008 is my year of fat.
I am officially no longer a size 0.

Frank and i finally met another Nigerian couple, so Brazil isn't so bad anymore. There is nothing like finding your own and relaxing in Nigeria-speak.
Unfortunately they are away on vacation and wont be back for another 3 weeks. Before they left, we went to a club downtown and actually had fun, then had another part for four that was awesome listening to old Naija hiphop like Azadus and Remedies.

I just remembered i didn't tell the story of the first time i went to a club here.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
You guys know i had a friend over last year, she wanted to go to a club so i went online looking for an ok club. there was a lot of noise about a place called Baronetti in Ipanema.
if u see hype eh?
It's supposed to be the 'biggest' club in Rio and i believe one of the reviewers words were ''only for the coolest people, if you aren't cool, stay home and read a book''.
heey!
book ke?
me i am cool o.
over cool dey worry me sef.

Na im i wear my best baffs finish, only to go there and ... hissssssss.
Nonsense!
First of all, many still wore their precious havaiana slippers, that we in Nigeria call bath room slippers. The look was still Brazilian casual which is the lowest level of casual.

Even Frank added to the hype. He said he had been there once before and saw Naomi Campbell and Ronaldinho .

Cowbell kó
i felt like an aunt at a party for teens. There was the longest queue ever, so get in i had to speak English and play the foreigner card.
VIP had more people in it than a molue bus, and they played only techno through out the night.
Who on earth listens to that crap?

We waited till two am when it was confirmed that was the only music genre that would be played.

I don't care what anyone says-Techno is so not cool.

New year in Rio de Janeiro

2008-01-01T15:31:00.002-02:00

Happy New year people.
The year started with sparks for me with fire works at Copacabana beach. it was really beautiful. I'd heard so much about about new year in Rio but almost couldn't be bothered to leave the house.
Frank was being all Franky and scared we would be mugged, so we left home with only bare necessities. This translates into no jewellery, just enough money for a taxi and some drinks and good old 'cork and shoot'. Unfortunately it refused to 'shoot' this time so we ended up without any pictures. the pictures here are not mine but 'borrowed' from other sites.

I keep forgetting to explain that new year is celebrated here with a festival to the born in Nigeria, but now Brazilian goddess YEMANJA. According to http://www.brazilmax.com/news.cfm/tborigem/fe_carnival/id/7, Iemanjá, also known as Yemoja or Janaína, is one of the deities called orixás(orisha) which have spiritual dominion over elements of nature that include fire, wind, thunder, stones, marshes, and rivers. Orixá worship predates Christianity by thousands of years but it was prohibited in Brazil until recently. (The practice of making offerings to Iemanjá for the New Year was illegal until the 1950s.) African slaves who were forcibly transported from their homelands were persecuted or killed by the Portuguese landowners for following their religion. To protect themselves, they syncretized each orixá to a particular Catholic saint. That way, they could say they were worshipping Jesus or the Holy Mother or Saint Anthony when their masters interrupted their religious services.
For example, Xangô(sango), the god of fire who also rules justice and the courts, became St. Barbara. Oxalá, also known as Obatala, or God the Father, was syncretized with Christ the Redeemer whose statue stands atop Corcovado. Oxum,(osun) who is called Ochun in the Caribbean, is a manifestation of the Holy Mother of Charity (Caridade). The original symbol of Iemanjá depicts her as a buxom African woman but in most of Brazil and the Caribbean, she is depicted as the Virgin Mary sometimes called Mary of the Miraculous Medal, standing in the sea with her open hands extended. She is also presented as a seductive mermaid.

Everyone wears white as a symbol of purity and they throw in roses(usually white too) into the sea to appease the goddess. we saw some offerings on the road side during our walk. we heard how some people drink the offerings left by believers, in Nigeria we wouldn't dare. i remember once a huge traffic jam just before a bridge in Lagos, cars were looking for alternate routes and people behind couldn't understand why until they all drove ahead and saw some serious looking juju. nobody needed to be told to find another route. nobody was going to mess with that s%*! talk less of drinking sango's schnapps. Ha! (and here i mean the real yoruba ass kicking Sango)

but i digress...

Of course most tourists and brasillians are not intrested in this part of the ceremony but any reason to get drunk and grind hips is welcome. The roads were brimming with people making the long walk to Copacabana. Brazilians really know how to have a good time. there was dancing on the streets, parties in apartments and hotels by the beach. Girls rolling hips in ways that kept conjuring the word 'ashawo', men appreciating every swing of the female anatomy and finally amazing fireworks at mid night that made the long walk really worth it.

The part i loved most about the new year was finding a cab to take us home. what can i say?i was tired jare.

Anyways,hope you all have a wonderful 2008.

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NEW P.O.Vs.

2007-12-04T12:54:00.003-02:00

Wow! There is nothing like going away to give you little perspective.

I cant believe I actually missed Rio, after all my bitching. I'm actually glad to be back, but lets see how long that lasts.

Sierra Leone was a wonderful experience for me. I've always been a bit myopic about visiting other African countries. I just never got the point. I always felt like we'd all be the same.In many ways we probably are, but our different colonial and especially post colonial experiences make our general auras very different.

The new president was being inaugurated the day we got to Freetown. I was surprised to see the people happy and celebratory. All I could think was ''WHY''?
''What are u people happy about''?

The celebrating and cheering on the streets reinforced my old Nigeria feeling. Sierra Leone looked like the pictures of Nigeria in the 60s. Nigerians celebrating at independence, hopeful and thinking in terms of new beginnings.

Old Nigeria.

Old Nigerians.

We know better now.

We stayed in Freetown for 2 days and there wasn't any electricity. A boy at the hotel assured us power would return on the 20th of DEC, and we Nigerians laughed.

They actually still believe.

Nice huh?

To get into Freetown from the airport, we took a ferry. Even though I never appreciate not being on solid ground, I actually liked the ride because again I felt a connection to my dad and his stories of taking the ferry across the river Niger before the bridge in Onitsha was built.

As regards ambiance, what is it about Nigeria or Nigerians that scares oyibos? In S.L, I noticed other ''colours'' walking and doing stuff, without fear. I hear the same is true for Ghana. But oyibos in naija are always jumpy and behave like someone is going to slap them just for being.(That's not to say I haven't seen that).

I expected a brimming -with- violence- post war Sierra Leone especially with so many of the youths without work. Can you imagine oyibo coming to Nigeria and staying in a minus one star hotel in Mushin or Ejigbo, using danfos, eating in bukas, making friends with the locals.

The people are hopeful, they have a new president. Sierra Leonians(?) used to be Africa's elite. Let's hope this new beginning is really worth the hope and keep our Nigerian cynicism to ourselves.

What do u think is on this guy's mind?

p.s

I missed blogging.

Thanks a bunch

2007-11-27T07:48:00.001-02:00

Hi people,
thanks for all the messages. just saw them all today as i haven't had time or the opportunity to use the web.
Everything is wonderful and right now I'm in Abuja. It's such a different atmosphere(of course i mean compared to Lagos)

I have plenty gist as the burial was in sierra Leone. It was a whole new experience for me as I'd never been in any other African country.
Can't wait to start my blog rounds.
Hope you are all fine.

Hmmmmmm

2007-11-06T22:17:00.001-02:00

I've been looking forward to going home to Nigeria for along time and we were scheduled for the 16th of december but today i had to go to get an emergency transit visa because we have to be in Nigeria by friday. why?

FRANK'S MOTHER JUST DIED.

I dont know if its okay to say its okay she died now, because to me, she died perfect.
I'll never be able to say anything negative about her.
I had the world's best mother in law.
Everytime i called her she'd answer the phone by singing
''you are my sweetie
my darling''
and ended most calls with
''i love you o.''
I never knew wat to say to this and always said thank you.

When frank and i were still dating and I sneaked into town from school, she'd make 2 bowls of soup and stew and sometimes threw in some yams because she knew there was a chance my dad would catch me if i had to go to the market.
She was always cooking and feeding people looking for free food. After we married she thought she she should stop cooking for us as it wasnt her 'place'. But I like awoof too.

She gave me one of the best compiliments of my life and always made me feel essentially 'good'.
When Frank and i quarreled, she always took my side and would say '' you want another man's daughter to suffer in your house abi?''

I spoke to her last week and she said she was only calling because she was watching a nollywood film called MOTHER-IN -LAW, and was only calling to ''look for my trouble''.

she'd have been 55 january 1st.

I hope she is fine now.

I dont know if i should be worried about frank.
He seems fine.

NIG-ARG ...5-3

2007-11-05T00:24:00.000-02:00

'U' and I went to watch Nigeria play Argentina in Copacabana beach(FIFA cup beach soccer) hoping to get the chance to meet other Nigerians, sing all those Nigerian gyrating songs at the top of our lungs. but when we got to the site we couldn't find any Nigerians and so had to make our own Nigerian fan club. Unfortunately all our shaking and screaming could only garner one supporter-a little boy shouting "UP NAIJA" with us.
Luckily, Nigeria won the game, so it didn't matter that we were the only ones screaming and looking rather foolish.

the Brazilian cheerleaders

sorry about the poor resolution of the pictures. i took them with my cork and shoot camera.

Oi

2007-10-30T09:56:00.001-02:00

People, unfortunately i have nothing to go on about here. at least nothing interesting.
the only good news in my life is one of my friends is here and braided my hair and so i look half decent and have returned to my status as a local champion. The other couldnt make it as she just landed a new job.
I've found getting cat calls and dirty words in a foreign language is not so bad.
my dance classes are ok. 'cept my teacher is tapping enough current outta me for me to drop the gay theory. I think i have enough grainy videos of my lessons on my phone to post safely without being recognised.
We'll see.
we took a pictures of this hot guy at the beach yesterday with very serious abs and the plan is to tinker with it on photoshop till minha amiga looks like she is in his arms.
Any way, we are off to the beach again.

Virgin Mother...so cliché

2007-10-11T16:29:00.002-03:00

Recent posts in some blogs have been concerned with the modern(Nigerian)woman vis á vis her relationships, money and morality.

Is the Nigerian woman virtue-deficient as a whole?

I think not.

Alongside the blare of cable television introducing our society to everything western are our mothers screams. They are our constant reminders of what it means to be ''African''.

don't show your belly button

don't talk to a man first

cross your legs when you sit

the man is the head of the family

that skirt is way too short

go to school

*but while you are it look for a man.

many of us choose what we listen to and what to discard as ''old school''.

It is my opinion that the emerging hybrid of womanhood is still innately African. she may flaunt her modernism by being blatantly sexual, garner degrees and accolades longer than her traditional name.She may succumb to western 'frivolities' unheard of mere years ago, like boasting of her ability to order in, and holy of hollies-earn more money than her man.

Has that made her different? Are we unlike our mothers?

Mothers to be and mothers today. Or was her image a façade?

Do you think she didn't scheme and made sure the village wrestler caught her eye after he won the fight then sneak over to ''Amalinze's'' hut when her own man was past his prime?(sorry, i think that was my granny)

Recently,I was chatting with an old friend and used the F word and was surprised when I was reprimanded. I asked him why because he knew i was a cusser (albeit a light one) ,his answer was that I am married now.

worrehel!!!

When did being married bestow virtues?
I must have missed that queue.

My point here just incase it went over some heads, is that just like i will beat the hell outta any child of mine for using the f word, our mothers were naughty too. But our men seem to think them the epitome(pronounced ipitəmē) of sainthood. they had 'bad' girls in the villages willing to be married off to the village chief for social status and comfort, arent 'these' aristo fore runners?

Every visit to my granny ends with prayers for me and future husband and blah blah. I am told not to follow men with money but to look for a God fearing man. Then one day I tell my granny I have a boyfriend and we want to get married, to my amazement, mama wanted to know if he had money? When I said jokingly that money doesnt matter, she laughed the laugh of age.

You see? We are no worse than our mothers.
Guys, forgive the inebriation of youth, our tank tops and tongs will pass, we will wash our potty mouths with ariel,we will clasp our rosaries to our lips in fervent prayer and then we will become your mothers.
Okwaya o wu ihe unu choro?

or will we?

on a lighter note

guys, if you could only have 2 qualities out of these 3, what would it be?(but comment on the above first)

she is miss world beautiful, and sex is always a trip to shangri-la

she cooks better than your mother(we are assuming ya mama sabi cook)

the house and your clothes are always spotless.

I need more black

2007-10-08T00:19:00.003-03:00

They've begun a new cycle of Brazil's next top model and I decided to watch it this week. I was surprised to find one black (real black) girl and two mullatas.

the show began and of course the dark skinned girls got next to no air time. In fact the only time they actually speak to the camera is when there is a quarrel because one of the girls called a half caste a mullata and she didn't like it. The word for black is negro for men and negra the feminine version, the half castes are mullatos and mullatas.

the one thing Brazil manages not to tell the world when they invite you to their beaches is that dark skinned is not so welcome.

Every time i am out, i find i only get respect when i they hear me speak in English and this annoys me(English no be my papa language) and then they ask with gushing smiles if i am American.

NOT EVERY WELL DRESSED BLACKIE IS A F***ING AMERICAN!!!

I AM NOT AFRICAN AMERICAN, I''M NOT COLOURED, AND IF YOU SAY NEGRA ONE MORE TIME....

The last time I was in a store and couldnt explain what I wanted, I was determined not to speak English and instead of the usual ''voce fala ingles?''. I said ''o nwere onye na su Igbo ebaa?''

of course the woman went blank and then she asked me if i was Jamaican.

my people, see me see trouble for this country.

'"Eu sou Nigeriana.''

I am black and that's it.

I hear they have other states where the blacks are concentrated, but here the blacks are so lack lustre, they have no vibe. I see them slink to work everyday, cleaners, delivery boys, maids.(office jobs like secretaries, receptionist and even waiters are usually reserved for the Indians and other colours in between) .i want to scream at them-

Wake up! black people are funky,we have a pizazz, we do everything with style, a little sumsum, efizi, get jiggy with it. Any thing. JUST WAKE UP.

Even though i also feel like since i don't know any thing about the history and struggles here,i shouldnt be quick to judge but with all the Americans have done in their quest for racial integration, it ought to be a whole lot better.

In the very first episode of the show (BNTM) the only black girl was removed. i guess it's better she was eliminated now, I bet they didnt even think of make up and hair for her.

Dont even get me started on the hair for the blacks. The only girl I have seen here with nice hair was sitting and eating in a mall(which is even strange), if she was walking or shopping, i'd have asked her where she did it but chances are she's a foreigner too. (my foolish friends still haven't come, one is supposed to braid my hair)

I am told they have magazines for black women and still haven't seen one.

Thank God I receive my TRUE LOVE here.

What annoys me about this is that Brazil has the 2nd largest black population ( I was stupid enough to ask which country has the first, yep I'm dumb like tha.t)
it sis true that Brazilians are very friendly but I always feel like something is missing. i think they are trained to sell their country to foreigners. Once somebody said something that explained this perfectly. He said Brazilians are like the Christ the Redeemer statue. They welcome you with open arms but will never embrace you.

WORD.

Any ways, this is definitely not a place to raise my kids(except if they come out white ).

I cant wait to delve into the sea of blackness that I call home.

* For non Nigerian readers-
'Half caste' is P.C in Nigeria.

mmaya and i

2007-10-04T06:47:00.001-03:00

this year, for the first time in a long time, i knew what the perfect gift for frank's birthday would be. i'd been hoping it would be available even as i knew it wouldnt.

today is his birthday and yesterday i decided to go find something ...any thing.

the perfect gift for femme's frank this year would be tekken six.

he has been waiting for it like a child for Christmas.

you see femme's frank fancies himself the worlds best tekken player and i assure you if we could translate the time he puts into it, we just might be on Forbes's list ( or maybe Networth's list of richest blacks)

so i went from store to store looking and after 2 hours i had bought a beautiful rug i just couldn't leave behind and Erica Jong's SEDUCING THE DEMON.

i decided to take a break. it was my first meal of the day and it was already past 4 so i was really hungry but interestingly i felt the itch for alcohol(can alcoholic craving be an itch?).

femme and frank had been out last weekend and i tasted his caipirinha (Brazilian cocktail) it was so good,I'd been thinking about it all week.

so there i was in the restaurant, i asked for a steak and caipirinha. the drink came almost immediately,

i am a very social drinker but come from a family of drinkards. as soon as u become an adult( no particular age) my uncles and aunts and my parents expect to see your boozing strenght.

so alcohol is no stranger to me.

so i fell on this drink with glee but found this one different. it wasn't as mellow as franks, this was the real deal.

the first one i tasted was made of almost same quantities of vodka sugar and lime while mine had very little lime, it had almost no sugar and seemed to have mostly cachaça(another Brazilian drink made from fermented sugar cane juice)

i was half way through it when my steak was ready but unfortunately i had forgotten to ask that it be well done. the waiter brought it to my table with a flourish and me smiling up hungrily only to see the blood.

since i still had to wait, i decided to get another drink as the caipirinha was growing on me.

by the end of the meal i had 3 glasses of caipirinha and was feeling very glad with myself.

i knew something was wrong when i got up to leave and it took extra seconds to catch up with my head.

so I'm leaving the restaurant talking to my self

Femme- omg! you are so drunk.

Self- this is not drunk, I'm just a bit tipsy, when the food catches up wit the drink, i will be fine.

Femme-stop talking and look at where u are going,

Self- I'm looking, I'm looking . you stop talking to me. these people are beginning to shift from you. meanwhile a whole guilder chick like you falling all over the place because of 3 glasses of sugar cane water.

i found this so funny i began to laugh but i stopped laughing when i realised i was standing on the escalator that was moving up when i needed to go down.

then my phone rang, it was frank i had told him to meet me at the mall.

i leaned against a wall and described where i was then waited till he came.

any way today is franks birthday and i didn't get him his tekken 6 but i sure had a nice time looking.

* slight exaggeration to this story

it could happen to u too.

2007-10-01T01:10:00.001-03:00

i had a very nice weekend, it started out slow, Sunday was perfect, but Friday and Saturday were not without a little activity.

Friday
i went to the supermarket to get some things and was on the queue waiting to checkout when i remembered my dad asked me to get him some Brazilian music. i saw some Cds on a rack and decided to get one that looked like his type(jazz and blues). i go pack to the counter, pay for my stuff and back home, but something was nagging at me.

hours later it hit me - i didn't pay for that c.d.

i remember walking across the counter reading the Cd's cover and apparently,i walked out of the store holding all the bags and the CD without thinking about it. i confirmed this by looking for the CD on my receipt. my Portuguese isn't perfect yet, but I'm sure CD in Portuguese will still be CD.

i told Frank and he went on and on about being black in a racist world and being careful and blah blah. i know he is right but i didn't do it on purpose, so chill.

Saturday
we were in ipanama and walking back home when frank see the H.Stern store and tells me he wants to get me some thing.
we go in and i chose a diamond and emerald set (very green white green). the guy attending to us tells us if we pay in cash we wont have to pay certain taxes especially as we are foreigners. Frank tells him he only has 500$ on him, the agent tells us its no problem, we can pay what we have, take the set and bring back the balance later. we had been admiring the store, it was a well oiled machine. you couldn't just walk from one room to the other without the appropriate pass and security checks. you could see expensive jewellery and raw(i guess) stones every where. there was a 'for him and her' pair of wrist watches right beside the elevator which i felt was asking for it but saw later it was a hologram.
So frank decides to pay the 500 , return on Monday with the remaining but declined to take the jewelry. we were chauffeur driven back home.

later at night we were talking and he was fiddling with his wallet when the receipt AND 5 hundred dollar bills fell out. how he hand ended up not forking the money over, we don't understand.

we were both stunned.

actually he was stunned and i was laughing.

frank- what is funny? this is very serious.

femme-No o , let me laugh. yesterday u didn't let me rest. i was a thief abi?
today, its you and Brazilian police.

frank-stop laughing,its not funny. i didn't understand what happened.

femme- when i told you i took CD by mistake, you didn't understand,
how will you understand this one? and we told that guy we are Nigerians,
by now we are probably on some Brazilian EFCC list. they will think this is
a new gimmick.

frank- that's true o. but they dropped us at home.

femme- who is to say we really live here?

frank- that man must be pissing in his pant now, because where we collect it is
no where near him and we have a receipt.

i had me a good laugh at his expense. So frank has to go back there first thing in the morning before going to work. will let u know what happened. I guess i had a nice weekend. how was yours?

happy birthday to us nigerians.

e go better!

games women play

2007-09-27T23:10:00.001-03:00

My friends are supposed to come see me and since i invited them i havent done anything fun. every time i get an invite some where, i ask that we do it later when ndi enyi get here. i didnt go surfing last weekend because of them( even though when i was invited i was thinking 'God forbid!' surfing ke? i dont enter water that goes past my ankles ,except when i have to swim the streets of lekki.)
They (friends) have their visas and are still posting me.
*hiss

I'm tired of waiting so i made this week my down with procrastination week and decided to do every thing i'm supposed to do for me for fun.

first i took out my extensions, my hair was becoming dada underneath it. i ate out,( first time in 2 months) then went to sign up for copoeira.

I got interested in copoeira when i noticed how easy it is to win with Christie at tekken . i found though that i almost never win with Eddie who is supposed to have have taught her the art.
so how is it am able to beat the same guys with Christie and not Eddie?
i thought about it long and hard and my eureka moment was every bit as dramatic as Archimedes's'.
IT HAD TO BE THE BREASTS.

i ve lost my train of thoughts...

ehen, copoeira...
also i want to learn it cos ive always wanted to learn something show offish.
i cant even do cart wheels and i envy girls who can.
i was directed somewhere else where they teach adult beginners, i really wanted one near home and this is Brazil for flakes sakes.
I bet there is, so i'll keep looking.

labamba!!

2007-09-24T01:54:00.001-03:00

I'd never have thought the day would come when I'd search far and wide for a blog topic. usually i have a pile of stuff in my out box waiting to be published, but considering the fact that i have only manage to make my self come off as loose fingered, sticky fingered and a liar. i see I'd be doing myself a great favour if i just stopped .

So femme and frank just began samba and salsa classes.

We had been looking for a dance teacher for sometime but couldn't get one in the neighbourhood when the administration of our building announced that interested tenants could sign up for lessons which would be held at the area de lazer. we hit the jackpot when we realised it'd be just us 2 at 7 o clock, all others had signed up for 5.

Any way, i was hoping to get me some hot Latina brother to grind my waist to in synchronized rhythm and i guess frank was hoping at the very least for Patricia Bundchen(Gisele's fraternal twin) but you know how these things are.

i got the middle aged guy and frank got the gay guy.

life can be such a female dog!

you tube comments

2007-09-11T10:34:00.002-03:00

its not laziness to type a new post that causing this one but i saw these comments on you tube. i just copied and pasted, i hope u understand it,maybe it'd be better to start at the end.
usually the comments when by Nigerians are full of tribal slurs, this is international.

spliffveron (1 week ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

U're so wrong,go treat yourself of your KENYARITIES.

spliffveron (1 week ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

Pigeon english is an identity,it is pride,it is sewn under the epidermis of those who understand.If you don't speak it,just seal your mouth and respect,hence go try to speak the language more than the Englishman.If you succeed,then disown your heritage if it will make u happy.

hyper10shun (2 weeks ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

crissy dont hate appreciate, the English cant speak English to save their lives anyway lol. God bless Nigeria

crissy771 (2 weeks ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

am just saying the truth u can talk all u want but it is a fact nigerian english is bad

israelnonso (2 weeks ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

I don't i have time for someone from Bush.

hyper10shun (2 weeks ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

sharaaaap dere! idiots were you people born with engrish in ya mouths? stupid colonial brainwashed fools(typical kenyans and east AFRICANS)Listen we speak great english, with our beautiful languages, go hang if you don't like pigeon, i am educated and do speak the so called great English language, but some dumb Africans here think speaking English is some great priviledge, morons. Change your mindsets and embrace your Africaness dumbmudafunkes

crissy771 (2 weeks ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

am sorry but it is a fact pigeon english is not english.....

crissy771 (2 weeks ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

nope am kenyan and it is a fact only uneducated nigerian can talk pigeon english

israelnonso (2 weeks ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

U better do as that guy said. Jump into fire if you don't like najia English. I know u must be a Ghanaian

ayeforlife (3 weeks ago) Show Hide

(Reply) (Spam)

if u dont like nigeria english u can go ahead and hang urself. idiot

*i guess the correct way to spell pidgin in pidgin language is pigeon.

phony femme

2007-09-10T06:31:00.001-03:00

i promised a post on one of the few lies i ever told frank, so.. here it is but i'm hoping you are familiar with the preceeding story.

I've lost a cell phone in almost every imaginable way.
armed robbery, forgot 2 in taxis, dashed one to mammy water at kuramo on its very first day,
went to night class for the first time in university i don't know who sent me, was sitting right in the middle of a full class when a guy who was walking past my table suddenly reached for my bag and like superman was out of the class. the guy had serious skills mehn!
later bought two cheap ass phones. the Sony Ericsson broke up so fast i used rubber band to hold it.
I remember ..(another gist)
But all these phones my parents either bought or i gave up something to make myself happy by indulging in a phone.
So one day, boy friend (frank)says
'OK you don't have a phone and your parents are tired of hearing that word, tell me what you want.'
I did and soon after, i got my nokia 6260. it was a new model in Nigeria and very expensive.
But it began to have a problem with the swivel (*eh e eh, god help me, what is swivel o? you be speaking English you r not sure of, where did u get swivel from? you better check a dictionary before u publish this post).

i had a big quarrel with frank and had used the word 'break-up'. After we made up, he said 'let me get you a new one', again i got the 6260.
one month later, it was my sister's wedding, i was her chief brides maid and really busy, i forgot my phone in an uncles car and couldn't reach him till the next morning.
we were in the villa, one of the boys cleaned the car. well,
it was never found.
me and my miss independence. i didn't have any money of my own. i just graduated from school and ... in short no money.
my sister came in from the states and really didn't need her phone. i was the one doing the running around so i appropriated it.
frank was out of the country and i do all the calling when he's away.
so he gets back.

Frank - what happened to your phone? I've been trying to reach you.
Femme - u know I'm busy with this wedding. this number is very important and u know i hate 2 phones. i just kept it aside.
Frank - what of people that need to talk to you?
Femme - anybody that doesn't have this number is not important.
Frank - OK o, what ever you say.

Everybody even my parents said 'just tell him, he will understand.'
but he wont understand.
when he first got his job the first thing he did was buy a very expensive wristwatch and i lost it the first week. i don't want to see that disappointment again.

Frank came to my house, he was leaving and was already at the door.

Frank - look femme, i know you've lost your phone, just tell me, i wont be mad.
Femme - please please! are you trying to spoil my day, i told you the phone is
in my room.
if you make me go upstairs just to show you the bloody phone-
Frank- OK,OK.
Femme -no o let me give you the phone, you wont let me hear word as if i cant buy phone again.

So after the wedding when Yankee people dropped whatever change they had for us, i rushed to gsm planet to get the nokia 6260.
The guy gave me the black one, I had to beg him in the name of God to look for the silver one and to his amazement, i began to scratch it on the ground so it wouldn't look so shiny and new. i took sand, rubbed all over it, then went to see frank. funny enough, it was the fist time he ever listened to the radio on my phone but he didn't notice anything.

quick fast forward.
I'm doing my nysc in Abuja about 8months later and he's in town for a meeting.
on the last day we are in the hotel foyer, he looks at me and says

'let me get you another phone. I'm so proud of you. this one has lasted so long.'
me, i was thinking-
'which one be this?'
for the past 3 months,i had been receiving this offer regularly, but my guilt no gree me.

so i told him. hahahaha
i can still see his face.

an effort to understand me

2007-09-07T08:49:00.001-03:00

So many post out there written by people who had bad or terrible teenage years. teased and taunted by classmates, siblings and sometimes even parents.
I remember going through all these too but...

I think I've always been a shy person, but the funny thing is no one I know believes this statement (except maybe my mother-in-law, i don't know why I'm shy with her)
growing up I made myself bold, I was the one who always said the one thing nobody wanted to say. I was the one who stood up in JSS2 and talked about sex,periods and pubic hair in biology class. I represented my school a lot in science competitions not because i knew anything about making paper from waste or whatever they were on about, but because the geeks just couldn't present their own ideas as well as i did. I knew to leave questions and answer time to them though.
I was also the girl at the party dancing foolishly and making an ass of myself just to make people chill.
But the truth that i managed to hide from the outside world was how much i quaked in side before i volunteered for anything.

In university i was the man hater who always had a come back for the guys. I was almost never linked to any guys and we(me and friend) were almost always together, i gather many assumed i was a lesbian (my best friend and i were both dating best friends back home)
I was the one who argued with the lecturer and held the class up while others gave me looks that could kill.
I realize now my only telltale signs are the fact that i walk with my head looking down or with a finger pretending to flick away something on my face.
i don't think i've ever been bullied, nobody would dare, i had one of those sharp mouths you didn't want to mess with.
But being shy is not the same as having a low self esteem or is it?
All my life I've heard people say 'i wish i was as bold as you' but in reality I'm a fraud.

*but so?
what does writing about this mean,it wont influence the price of garri in tejuosho.
expecting a flash of light with our analytic skills are we?
shio!

cant believe brian won big brother and he really doesnt know who shakespear is. hilarious.

red handed

2007-08-25T07:36:00.002-03:00

there isn't any good way to say this so I'll just jump right in and say it-

I used to be a very good thief, but more importantly a good liar. the only person who knows when I'm lying is my elder sister. nobody knows how she does it.
when i say thief, i don't mean its not safe for people to kept their stuff around me. I've never stolen money( hold that thought, i don't think I've ever stolen money)
anyway,
I'll leave the little things i did at home and concern myself with things i took from other people.

i loved reading novels and unfortunately, 'no, you cant borrow my book' sounded a lot like ' you can take it when I'm not looking'.
i learnt to 'case' the owners environs, watch the way the book was handled, where it was kept, who was going to read it next then made my move.
once i took a novel from one of the most wicked seniors in school and seconds later watched from my own room as she asked all the juniors in her room to go kneel outside as her book had mysteriously disappeared. and to think one of my best friends was one of them.

lying.
the most important thing about lying is consistency and presentation- many people make the mistake of using the ' how dare u think that of me face' when the 'I'm disappointed you think that of me face' would suffice.
i made a friend later in life( see me talking like I've had a long life) who couldn't understand the concept of lying even to save his own ass and actually called it 'fibbing'. while he was explaining to me i was thinking ' go back to Malory towers Darell'.

back to secondary school-
I'm a senior in ss2, the final year students are days away from writing their last papers.
at teacher calls me and tells me to carry two pots of rice and stew to the ss3 female hostel.
i'm affronted by this degradation, but proceed to get it over with.
I'm murmuring to my self asking why they cant eat in the dining like every one else. i get to the room and find it empty, i was actually leaving when i thought
' a fish tail would taste mighty fine this afternoon', so, i reach into the stew pot, and fish out (pardon me) a fish.
just as i swallowed the last of it, 3 seniors walk into the room talking loudly about their just concluded paper. one of them looks at me and says 'did you put your hands in our stew?'
never had i been insulted in my life( and thats exactly what i said)
'fish again? you insult me because of common fish'? (i am sorry to change mouth, but this is a perfect 'do you know who i am' situation.)
she reaches for me and says
'you obviously just ate some and the stew is still on your fingers '
by now more seniors had walked in including the head girl and they all looked on at the new thief.
me? i was cooler than the gang.
"stew on my fingers? for fuck sakes i carried the stew pot on top of the rice pot all the way from the kitchen and you dont think a little of it would touch me? the whole school had rice and stew for lunch too .'
i see the face of the crowd change as they acknowlede how much sense this makes.
The head girl steps in at this point and says ' i know femme, haba! she is beyond fish'
and to me
'oya go to your prep class'.
na so i take commot.

frank has heard from my family about my 'prowess', i've tried to assure him I've almost never lied to him. I'm an adult now, haven't been foolish in a long while and more importantly dont have anybody to answer to.
people lie because they are afraid of the consequences and need to take the easy way out. or maybe i should say i lied becos...
will tell you the lie in phony femme .

salute to soludo and frank

2007-08-21T20:27:00.001-03:00

So my last posts have been very unusual to say the least. perhaps i should say something that is socially aware or politically tinged. Unfortunately the only Nigerian news that has interested me recently is financial.

Soludo seems to have big plans for Nigeria. the guy has tried, all his reforms all seemed far fetched for Nigeria but have succeeded in making the banking sector the most active in the Nigerian stock exchange, foreign companies like HSBC are no longer afraid of investing in national banks.
Don't tell me you have not heard cos its old news now. The guy is out with a big one- the re-domination of the naira by removing two zeros such that 100 naira becomes 1 naira and making the 20 naira note the largest denomination available. This sounds mighty good to me. i suppose there will be problems but can only be good for us i think. apparently, Brazil did this more than once before they got it right.
we will be praying for our country and hope better times are near.

on to lighter matters.
so i was in a class when my phone rang, i dont know why i didnt answer cos usually i would. i got home to see it was from my husband( i think i have to find a name for him, okofemme? di femme? )
anyways, i check my mail and find this from him-

Subject: Pls arrange chicken this night
I tried calling but could not get thru. Please try to arrange some fried chicken for me this night before I get home.

Thank you for being a darling.

Love you.

i had fried his dearly beloved chicken a long time ago but decided to send him something to make him smile.

subject: eat this!
guy, that one will not work o.
so we have now reached arranging via the net abi?
very soon, we'll be trying to structure sex.
'honey can we do six-ish'
'guy, no fucking way'
today today you will meet me to ba de ile.
chicken ko!

after a while i got this reply that has to be the funniest mail i ever got in my life-

subject : eat this abi?

Come, what is wrong with you sef? If I call and you do not pick your phone how will you know what I am going to eat?

My friend don´t be silly. Better have that chicken ready before 5 pm. Or else . . . .

When did that one start. Because you are in Oyinbo land you want to start making ako here. Your eye will clear if I do not see this chicken when I get home. Because of that I am leaving work now.

See you soon!!!!

omg! i laughed tire. whats with Nigerians and 'my friend?'
when ever my dad called you his 'friend', you had to be in serious trouble.
'my friend will you shut up your mouth before i shut it for you!'
another funny one is 'who's your friend, my friend?'
when ever i read the 'my friend , dont be silly' part, it gets me every time.

ps
since the name of my blog is femme and frank the name of the guy in femme's life will be frank. a very obvious choice but it will have to work.

strictly nonsense

2007-08-15T15:41:00.001-03:00

just finished reading princessa's post

girl, that was one funny post.
but everyone knows its true. give a man a pair and he's in lala land. i think the only thing better than a pair of boobs would be a pair that em... brings out(?) the man's brand of beer.
guys, can u imagine a world were you can drink stout while playing ludo(im trying not to be crude here).
in this perfect world,every woman would emit a certain brand, some girls would be Guinness stout,others Star and the cheap ass girls would be like nutri c or something.
talk about having a bad taste in your mouth.
just for the sake of conflict, what if a man fell in love with a Harp woman and is a strictly Guilder guy, how long would this last?
are men ready to change brands for love?.
and if u had visitors would you offer a drink?
wow! i am giving this way too much thought.

to another slightly related matter. how many of u have seen the lucozade ad were the guy drinks a little, to see how much boost he needs to escape from the cheetah?
i always thought they could make a follow up where the cheetah takes a sip of the lucozade on the ground, mehn, that guy's eyes will clear
meanwhile it was rather dumb to test the cheetah first as its supposed to be the fastest land animal( or cat)

i need to post something intelligent soon.

my preciousssss

2007-08-08T20:54:00.002-03:00

HE gave me gist a while ago about a guy he knows that looks exactly like he was the face that inspired smeargols graphic creator.
Any way, we got invited to a little dinner party last weekend, we were the first to arrive .even though i had forgotten about this gist, immediately i saw the guy, i saw the uncanny resemblance. I'm sure this is the first time uncanny really means uncanny. I'm not saying the guy is ugly o, cos he's not. he 's just nerdy looking, but he looks exactly like whatisname.

I've seen many people come to Brazil the land of beaches, chicks in bikinis and lots of sex( all true) but the type they get to score with they could probably find at home cos they end settling for a not so hot chick(usually very fat, at least she's still Brazilian) the last guy that came from Nigeria had to finally settle for a woman he was calling 'iya', you only had to see her to understand. i actually have pictures of them together. my guy no send anybody, all he knew was he wasn't going back home without peeling a Brazilian.
any way the main gist here is the fact that this smeagol's lookalike walked in with the girl in every man's wet dreams.
and just to prove to us he was hitting that, she was well and pregnant.

I'm only typing this to while away at least 30 more minutes so that my hair will done. i m retouching my hair my self because I'm tired of semi white salon people looking at me with that you know its ur hairs fault. worse part is i have really thick and hard hair. they look at me like that in salons in Nigeria but explaining to another blackie that ur hair is very hard is different from saying the same to a non negroid( finally i get to use the word in a sentence)
I've been on interesting journeys with this my hair. my mum used to relax my hair with with Venus but it would burn half of the hair while the other part would look like it hadn't seen relaxers in years. in secondary school girls came back with their hair all slick while i couldn't weave my hair for the first 2 weeks because my head was half koko.
after a while, i changed to dark and lovely kit, it only got slightly better- no serious burns just untamed hair.
finally i was introduced to Gentle touch it was a whole lot better and a whole lot cheaper.
one day a woman in the saloon asked me to try ozone which is also made in Nigeria i think and is like 80 bucks. it works wonders for me without any heat. apparently my hair is trying to remind me of my pedigree or lack of, it appreciates only made in Nigeria and the very cheap ones too.
i always knew i would make a very cheap wife one day.
i still have to wait at least 2 hours for my hair to be ready though.
if anybody out there knows a relaxer that is less than 50bucks and i mean naira, I'm sure it will do the trick in less time.
i just know it.
my hair should be ready now. i guess.

machetes and witches?

2007-08-07T03:47:00.002-03:00

Just came across an article that says the price of machetes have dropped since the end of general elections. I' m still trying to understand what this means. I was still trying to decide if I should shove this bit of news in funny category as opposed to annoying, when I saw a Google ad that asked if I needed a machete because they could hook me up. Must admit it definitely tilted things towards funny. I could ask my self how this reinforces perceptions of Nigeria internationally but what i really want to know is who was so jobless as to do a research on the machete market.

Talking of joblessness, I don't know how I found my self in Nigerian witchcraft sites.
I didn't realize they were on the net and moving with the times. one of the stories I found about witches in Nigeria was about a 'witch' who had stolen a man's penis. I don't know how it works but if I dabbled in the black arts, why take a penis? ok, now I'm thinking why not.The next time Frank annoys me I could de-man him if i wished.
If only women had the power to take it away from men when ever we wanted(this is beginning to sound very Freudian), I'm sure this would take care of world peace and other little man made troubles like machete wielding Nigerians.
i did mention i was jobless didnt i?

jake and my little heart

2007-08-02T03:23:00.001-03:00

I'm watching a re-run of an old program, a ten year old girl is in love with a musician who comes to visit her uncle and understandably i remember my first crush. i was ten years old and i was in love with a star too. i was staring -with- dreamy- eyes, crazy- in l-ove and head over school sandals with Joe Penny(Jake and the fat man)
he was my personal Mcsteamy, he was so cool, so suave- sexy doesn't even begin to describe Jake.
As a child i always went to bed very late But when i was about ten, my dad decided to enforce a strict bedtime for me(my siblings didn't need it because they were all in bed by 8 the chickens!).
so dad calls me and says i have to be in bed by ten pm every school night.
whaaat!
There was no way i could be in bed by ten, Jake and the fat man started by ten on Sundays
i begged, i cried and did the whole adorable daughter thingy( and this was when i was his favourite o, before Cheez grew her own look-how-cute-my-eyes-are face).

daddy was adamant and that was that, but i had a plan up my sleeves. the next Sunday i said goodnight some minutes before 10pm and dutifully went to bed. few minutes later i crawled out of my room to the living room and hid behind a chair. just as it was about to start daddy came in and changed the channel to off all things, Oprah, and he says its crap o( u see u men!). by this time I'm sweating like a sallah ram because he's sitting on the chair i chose as my hide spot and if he catches me...
i wait for a while, i knew that by the end of his second B and H, he'd go to bed.it seemed like eternity and he wasn't budging, then i heard a definite snore followed by heavy smoker's cough.(I've told him if cancer kills him, no crying from me). he obviously wasnt going anywhere soon.
hmm, what to do? what to do?
i crawl out from behind, to the coffee table, expecting to find the remote but it s not in sight. f@#k it, this is the moment that separates real love from I'm-ur -biggest-fan crap. Nothing will stand in the way of my love for u Jake Styles. Nothing!
I begin the slow crawl to the tv set and of course its miles away. i reach it and pause, when I change the channel, will the termination of oprah's soothing drone wake up my old man( i hate this expression, why am i using it?) but nothing happens, i havent missed much thank god. i crawl back to my fathers side and lie down beside him like the good dog that i am.

it was a very passionate episode, it was the first time Jake actually liked the girl he was sleeping with, they made love the way its done in the movies with everything going in the right places and everyone whispering the right words. i was so enthralled. i wonder now why i wasn't jealous. You see, t.v love is not like real life love,there's no jealousy. i was happy when he was happy, i loved him more when he was in love(and lets face it he darned well couldn't show it to me)
suddenly, the bad guys come out of no where and in slow motion(at least thats the way i remember it) kill Jake's chick.
his pain was mine, they had taken away his love, he could never be with her, like i could never be with him.
he pain was terrible to behold, i wanted to hold him and tell him every thing would be better. then he began to get angry , like crazy Mel angry and you could see he was going to kick ass, he was so angry that he-

I'm very sad to say nepa took the light, i never got to see my love maim those sonsofbitches.
it would be the ultimate liver chopping if i woke dad up to put on the gen.

hmmm!
anyway,now i know better, daddy should have tried harder to make sure i went to bed on time. but the truth is, he liked the fact that i stayed up waiting for him and we ate suya alone without the 'others'.
now i'm paying for it. its almost 3.30am and i cant sleep.

suya would help for sure.
check out this blog oyibo.
i like it becos its a different perspective

sex, tribe, race,marrige and no apologies

2007-07-25T03:05:00.001-03:00

ive been to a number of post about inter racial and inter-tribal marriages. but was mostly inspired by experimenters vs knowers

truth be told id rather marry an oyibo than marry a Nigerian from another tribe. for many reasons( or may be just one or two)
first off all Nigerians just have to much wahala. marriage in nigeria is more than a union between man and the chick that he digs. it wasn't until my traditional wedding i finally saw some new angles to my beloved. if he doesn't fight for you at this point, you are fucked. some times i wonder if i have the best mother-in-law in the world because shes not Nigerian. my own mother is very nice to her sons- in law but if u make mistake and say ( my younger and only brother) bob has a girlf... the way her face changes is enough to know your life is in danger. mehn, i pity the girl he marrys.
my sis in law married a guy from another tribe and there was a lot of stress involved as there was in my own family when my sister married a yoruba guy. my parents were relieved when they found he was from onitsha but his father didn't think this was still good news.
(meanwhile, my younger sister was engaged to this guy who is from my mother's village and his umere nne is my dads place. so she hit the jack pot, of cos both parents are ex tactic. they just broke up this week and we still dont know how to tell said parents)

theoretically, i wouldn't mind if I'd fallen in love with a guy from another tribe( there's just one tribe i absolutely wont have anything to do with because I've been through a lot of tribalistic crap with them, call this reverse tribalism if you like). once upon a time i used to love hausa guys but i think that was because i didn't know any.
the truth is i have a strong thing for my own culture and i think the igbos aren't doing too well now culturally. so i want to do a lot to help its matter.
as a woman id be expected to give up my past and integrate with my new people and i just cant hack that.why does this sound sexist? ive had cousins in intertribal marriages where they cant decide what their children will be called. one side calls the child okoro, the other insists his name is anuoluwapo. this is not the same as choosing between peter and paul.
my fellow nigerians know this is true.
ive worked very hard at being igbo, this may sound strange to many people but I'm one of those lagos girls who couldnt speak her language. i say couldnt because i changed that by making a consious effort and going to school in the east. i know HE likes it becos i read his year one diary and this was one of his requirements for his future correct babe( that she speak impeccable English and speak igbo too).
i want igbo to be my children's first language so will have to speak only igbo to them, meanwhile my darling husband is insisting that they speak onitsha igbo. how that one wan take to work now? when u no fit speak and the thing dey for my hand? i guess thats why its called mother tongue.lol
as per racism
a while back my mom tried to fix me up with this oyibo millionaire.
he came to nigeria, went to the village and fell in love with naija and apparently me. but didn't say a word. went back to the states and told my mom because he thought since we are Africans once mama don gree, everything is settled.the guy barely spoke to me except once when he said i looked really good in a dress(we were at a party and the only thing he had seen me in prior was t shirts and knickers)
so my mom calls me on the phone
- hello, nnem( i loved it when she calls me this till i heard her call the house help too)do u remember mr white?
femme- yes what happened to him?
mama- he said he likes you and wants to marry you.
femme- are you serious? why didnt he say something when he was here
mama- well he can always comeback and i know you like white men so i guess you'd be happy
femme- but i told you i have a boyfriend now
mama- ehn. i know but nnem he's a millionaire o.
i was like wow! my new boyfriend and husband to be was still a jobseeker o. his shoes were always praying to god for mercy while slapping v.i looking for work.
mama- he says you don't even have to marry him now, you can just come to school here and wait till you are ready?
this gist was getting better and better.
mama- so what do you think?
femme- na wa for you o, so you'll just let me marry him like that.
mama- whats there? i know his family, his mother. what again?
femme- do you know how old he is?(this is me considering)
mama- he is 40. but forget age.
femme- forget age ke? i'm barely 20.

i gave my boy friend this gist and he said i should marry the guy now, wait one year, divorce him and come back to him and im still not sure if this was a joke or just his feet hurting.
my dad said he wouldnt mind if the guy was 30. i guess all everybody could hear was chi ching.
this is too long . should just stop here.

brazilian air crash

2007-07-18T02:04:00.001-03:00

e ma gba mi olorun, i said it! i said it o.!
A plane just crashed in Brazil and to be frank i was expecting it. the last time we came in from Nigeria, i told hubby it had to be the last time we used that bloody TAM. they are blaming the weather and the runway but thats all rubbish. i didn't miss not dying in that adc crash to come and die here.

I've been in my share of bad planes( being a Nigerian and all) but TAM really takes the cream.i don't know the mechanics of a plane but i swear the plane groans each time it changes gear.
ive always been a bad flyer because it usually includes two of my worst fears: falling from a height and falling into a large mass of water.
some days before the adc plane crashed last year(?) i was going to Lagos from Abuja and just before i boarded an aunt called me and asked me to come see her, i told her i was going to Lagos and she started with all the prayers. during the flight i was very nervous, the plane kept doing this dipping that made me wished i had passed up on lunch. when its a really bad flight i start checking my bag to see if i have any thing to slash my throat with because i'd rather go out like that.
the plane suddenly went down for like 10 second and a small shriek escaped my lips, the woman beside me looked at me like 'whats wrong with you".
i look at her and say 'but that was scary". but me i was thinking 'if you like be forming 'i'm a seasoned air traveler".
anyways going back to abuja i decided to bus it and went via abc. i got into town early i decided to go to gwagwalada to get some of my things from my sisters place, when an okada suddenly sweeps me off the road. i.m on the floor thinking wtf when my phone rings and the same aunty is hysterical on the phone. after i calmed her down she told me she had been trying to reach me all day because there had been an adc crash. i assured her i was fine and had come back by bus. she kept on crying and asking if i was really okay i wonder what she'd have done if she knew i was picking my self off the high way.
Any accident is a bad way to go, i hope they all find peace

solomon had a point

2007-07-12T20:59:00.001-03:00

this world is going to the dogs mehn!
all u have to do is watch some of these shows on TV, to see how bad things are. i don't know why but i love to watch my super sweet sixteen, wife swap and the British nanny show( actually i know why i love to watch them- they are absolutely revolting).

talking about TV shows- LOST is f@#king with me o.
do they still have a plan? or na may we take am as e be.
they better have something big at the end ( it will probably end like WAR OF THE WORLDS where the problem was so big that the resolution was absolute crap).
remember when LOST was so good , every scene had a classic WTF moment, like when the school teacher guy blew him self up with the dynamite at the black rock.

any way, leave all this oyibo matter, children need a lot of discipline and its obvious that civilisation belittles this philosophy. my parents almost never beat us children ( 'cept once when i ran away from home for like 2 hours , nobody noticed so becos`i wanted a bit more attention next day i ran away with my siblings for the whole day, (my bother was like 3 and i was 8)when they found me at about 10 pm, my father was fuming so badly that his samanja moustache was quivering. he picked me up by the ear, my mother came and begged him to drop me, but when she took me away, she took of her high heeled shoes and held it by the heel and gave me the beating of my life.) i never messed with my parents after that and they never hit me again( well, except this one time my dad slapped me when i tried to drown a cousin i hated.) what can i say? i'm sick like that.
they dont do that ' oh i thoght i would never see u again' crap with lots of hugs.
you are telling the child its okay to throw tantrums.
my parents had a good method that worked, if we were really really bad, my mum just said 'wait till your daddy gets home today'. believe me, nobody wanted to find out, and when daddy was forced to show his hand life became crystal clear. believe me it really couldn't get clearer about who was boss.
god, i no say i dey find money but why i go buy my sixteen year old pikin a 100 thousand dollar range rover.
i fit o, if the money plenty like that and na good pikin. but jeez, the kids on these shows are just plain horrible.
met one of my aunts kids recently, nobody in Nigeria could believe how polite they were, though they cant speak Igbo they understand it very well, especially words their mother uses on them, like a ma machi gi nti.

to end my lets make the world a better place by beating our kids roll (yes, i said it. why is beat so politically incorrect. what makes beat better than spank) -.

"Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)

im not big on bible or dictionary quotations but i really liked the part where it says the child shall not die. with all the wives Solo had i bet he knew what he was talking about.

just checked a dictionary
beat is to hit repeatedly with heavy blows. abeg o no be me send u.
and spank is a slap on the buttocks with open palms or a flat object.
Potato, Patata

so long a gist

2007-07-08T20:27:00.000-03:00

Dear readers let me tell you a story a colleague of Pumice who recently came to rio for a business course. As per say I no know any nigerians here, i was a bit exited to see a nigerian; and besides he was bringing garri and maggi for me. It's funny how the maggi and noodles here taste different (or in short lack taste) over here. Apparently the only Brazilians know how to spice their food is to put garlic into everything - even their bread.

Anway back to the story; Femo (not his name) arrived here about a month ago and we went to pick him upt at the whole thing began when we went to get him at the airport. First things first, I'm always surprised when I see young educated men, working in mulitnational companies, traveling all over the word, and are yet to experience the wonders of antiperspirants /deodorants. I mean the first thing that greets me when we meet him in the departure lounge is a strong whiff of BO that should be bottled and sold as insecticide or WMDs (Weapons of Mass Destruction). I still shudder when I think that Femo, who was in his thirties, was coming in from Europe where he had just spent two weeks before coming here. Urgh. Talk about first impressions counting.
Well, I managed to give him a side hug while holding my breath and Pumice and I took him to the hotel, got him settled in and invited him the next day for lunch. The next day I prepared egusi soup and cowleg for lunch and needless to say he was estactic to be eating food with pepper.

Now the first thing most non-Brazilan heterosexual guys think of when the arrives here is how to "touch base". And Femo, who had being suffering at the hands of Lagos girls, was practically walking around with hard-on with dreams of bagging his super model brazilian chick. I kept overhearing him asking HE, when he thought I was out of earshot, to "lay him a pass" in this town. Luckily HE is well-trained, at least enough to skillfully deflect his requests by saying he was out of the loop in this town (he better be) but he told Femo that this was the kind of town where what he was looking for would find him.

Later that day Femo goes back to the hotel, changes, and goes off to Copacabana beach in search of 'adventure'. I know because he later showed us pictures of him harassing poor white chicks at the hotel. He was unsuccessful to say the least for the first 2 days after which he had to go to another state for his course for about 3 weeks.

At the end of the 3 weeks, this guy comes back with renewed vigor to achieve his aim. Lesser men had got lucky here in Brazil and he was just as good as the competition. His new strategy, which Pumice told me later, was to first lower his standards and then tell the girls that he was a Nigerian born and bred in London. Things that make you go hmmm.

When Pumice and I go to surprise him at the hotel guess what we see? Femo comes into the hotel, returning from Copacana beach, with a older, fat (much older) woman who he met claims he met at the hotel. Pumice is shocked and doesn't really believe Femo is with this 'Iya' (this is what Femo calls the woman). Pumice asks " Guy na you get this load?". Femo replies shyly " Omo, na this one I pick o!". I guess the way he saw it half bread is better than full chin-chin. Of course I didn't need to ask I knew immediately he walked into the hotel lobby. Besides, the receptionist stole a glance at me immediately he came and we shared a sly smile. Who am I to judge?

Femo is now on roll. He apparently has found his niche in chasing large, fat women and is unknowing fulfilling the "Fat Girls" movie stereotype. He later checked another girl into the hotel whom he had promised to marry and take back to Nigeria. He actually met this girl when he traveled for the 3 weeks and the girls came to meet him in Rio. This, in her own mind I presume, is a prelude to Femo taking her back to Nigeria. Femo calls this one his 'Omoge'. I know what you're thinking but I'm not making this stuff up.

The climax of the story is Femo's last night before he leaves back to Nigeria where he begins to get sloppy. He is in the lobby coming in with Omoge and Iya sees him with this girl. Femo blanks Iya, carries Omoge to his room and proceeds to Iya's room. Iya starts to rake and guess who Femo says he was with?

Yours truly. Me! Me?!? What nerve? He told Iya that I, of all people, was the one with him downstairs. Obvious questions - What's Pumice's wife doing with you in a hotel at night and where is Pumice? Femo's reply was that I was secretly in love with him. What saved me in this story was that after Femo finished his 'handling his business' he goes to the bathroom to clean up. Of course, Omoge calls and Iya picks up the phone and the two ladies start arguing over the phone. Now when he comes out Iya wants to know how I managed to learn Portuguese. He comes out with a quasi-truth of how he met the girl when he traveled and the girl is stranded. Iya says he must sleep in with here (Iya). Femo starts to sweat thinking of how to leave the room and luckily the receptionist calls looking for him. He manges to escapes and then goes back to his room to put out the fire there.

Long story short, he comes up with a cock-and-bull story just to make Omoge spend the night with and leaves the next day for Nigeria. He told Pumice the full story the next day and Pumice was fuming. Pumice warned him to leave him and his wife out of that kind of gist and if they were not colleagues he would never talk to him again.

I can tell you one thing for sure, that's the last time I cook for that *!@&#$.

omoge lepa sisi

2007-06-30T02:31:00.001-03:00

came across a post called REFLECTIONS about women- body issues and eating disorders. when i see these kind of articles as it concerns Nigerian women i really enjoy my self.
i used to be really teased about being skinny.i was called all sorts of names. one in particular always made me cry- lepa. i really really hated that word. my younger sis used to all me flip-it (from rush hour when Chris tucker took Jackie chan's badge and does the flip-it open and flip- it close thing).i tried every thing to add weight but nothing helped.

then my personal savior came along and freed me from the shackles of the tongues of ojuelegba touts.

when agbani darego won the miss world competition in 2001(?),the impact was immediate in my life. suddenly it was cool to be skinny, actually, it was sexy to be slim(yep-skinny then,slim now).
i just started dating HIM then, we were strolling( actually, those were owu days, so more like slapping) when a guy whistled at me and said 'omoge lepa sisi'.
wow! it is sisi now abi?
HE was so proud(the mumu).
I'm enjoying my last laugh. i love to look for pictures of all those sexy girls from sec. school , they are all fat and ugly now every single on of them. and I'm loving me

central london today

2007-06-29T21:01:00.002-03:00

brazil vs naija

2007-06-05T01:13:00.001-03:00

brazil and nigeria have so many things in common.but even though the two countries are both 3rd world countries, i have found that attituds and not really technological advancements are the major differences between these 2 countries.. i'll explain-

things we have in common

football.- went out to lunch and the topic turned to football as it almost always does and just as i was about to ask what happened when we (nigeria) wooped their asses at the olympics,this guy starts to talk in really angry tones about the france 98 world cup finals, well lets just say i know when to zip it.

super eagles

suffering and smiling

we nigerians hail ourselves for being able to get on it with no matter how bad it is. we used to be the happiest country in the world but a guy here showed me a book where brazil is now in first place and we are now second best(2006). which brings me to another big factor. i dont know what yaradua is upto but guys try we can win back what might be our only good no1 spot in the world.

population and poverty

i dont know what the stats are on poverty in nigeria but i'd always heard about the disparity and wide gap between the rich and the poor in brazil. in lagos the beggers you see on the streets are usually disabled but you still come across one or two with(sob) stories to tell because they know nobody will send them unless one leg is missing or something. but ive only seen like two lame guys.

oshodi, lagos

A favela, rio de janeiro

babes and beaches

okay, so brazil is best known apart for foot ball for beaches and sexy chicks, we have beaches too but we need to learn how to attract the money. we go to the beach too, we have fun, eat fish, have parties. i think we just dont have the bikini thing down yet.

copacabana chicks

Alpha beach, lagos

coming up

Carnival
energy
and power
etc

doggy style

2007-06-04T01:09:00.001-03:00

dont know how old it is but i just came across a bbc article about nigerians and dog meat. there is a picture of a guy demolishing what must be this delicacy. i can only imagine chibuzo's thoughts as he explained to the reporter why he eats dog meat because truth be told we love nothing bettere than to rile white folks. chibuzo doesnt eat 404 because of nyama nyama disease, is it impossible to belive the meat is probabaly really good? i went on to a few other blogs and found many reactions (rage mostley from the nigerians). Even though it is true that dog meat isnt really common and i've never had it(cant be too sure ), i cant understand why nigerians are being defensive about, it is just meat- no biggie, you know oyibo will get upset. downside is we know that bbc has blown what ever chances we had of paris hilton coming over to see if the hilton in abuja makes enough to buy a new purse for tinkerbell.i guess personally i wouldnt mind long as i dont know before i eat it(same way i ate my first snake)

in another blog it is asked if anyone would eat dog meat to as a last resort and the answer i liked best is below followed by part of the original article

....anyway poverty and hunger causes this, still no matter how hungry I am I would never eat this

Dogs' dinners prove popular in Nigeria

By Senan Murray
BBC News website, Abuja

Dogs are scarce in Abuja because many now eat dog meat openly

The famous reverse news headline "Man bites dog!" is old news to some restaurants in Nigeria's capital, Abuja.

"Welcome to animal kingdom where man pikin dey show dog pepper," says Chibuzo Eze in Pidgin English, meaning: Welcome to place where the son of man is giving dogs a hard time.

Mr Eze then hungrily gets back to tugging his chunk of dog meat.

He is standing under a mango tree in "South Africa", the name of an open-air restaurant hidden behind the living quarters of a Western construction firm in Abuja.

"It is called South Africa because behind those high walls you'll find rich Europeans and outside here is Soweto, where we, ordinary masses, struggle with dog meat," Mr Eze explains with a smile playing on his face.

'Improves your sex life'

Mr Eze says he eats dog meat because "e dey protect person from all those nyama-nyama disease them" - it gives you immunity from different diseases.

DOG MEAT TERMINOLOGY

404: A dog is also called 404 after the French-built Peugeot pick-up van, a tribute to a dog's ability to run fast

Headlights: A dish with the eyes of a dog as the most prominent component

Gear Box: Dog's liver, heart and kidneys (usually more expensive than ordinary meat)

Tyre: A dog's legs. Mr Umoh claims that eating a 'tyre' makes you a fast runner

Telephone: A dog's tail

Sentencing: The act of clubbing a dog to death rather than slaughtering it.

i wonder if i can get any snails to cook in brasil, that one concern oyibo.

oh say can they see?

2007-06-03T01:02:00.001-03:00

its no wonder a lot of people are becoming a bit anti american( please if you pronounce this word as antie, you'd do well to leave now) its funny(as long as you are not the butt of the joke) when they use words like spic, say canada is like michigan without the culture or secretly wish muslims would just -poof. it is strange to find out after all this time that they didnt win the vietnam war inspite of everything chuck norris showed us, now watching rocky 4 is not as exciting as it used to be. Of course if its a bad movie maybe it belongs to bollywood.

why do they always get to be the goodguys. if any body else tries we know they have to be terrorists.

joke

so its an international meeting of sorts and everyone is being introduced.

-hello my name is okoro, I'm a Nigerian and I'm a fraudster.

-'its nice to meet you okoro.

-I'm abu, I'm Iraqi and a member of al-quaeda.

-'funny fellow, you've got jokes'

the American goes last. '

-hi my name is john smith and I'm American'

perfect silence

with a tap on the back somebody says

'oh, well we cant all be perfect'.

rainy days

2007-06-02T03:20:00.001-03:00

i like the fact that i have a new place to whine and talk sh#@. i can pretend I'm talking to myself while secretly hoping to see what other people think. i cant make up my mind though if i should ramble about any thing or be restricted to...
anyway its a beautiful day, the sun isn't out though but i like the weather. its cool and refreshing, unfortunately, I'm in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. i never saw a people more unhappy when they cant be at the beach.its like the beach wont still be there tomorrow. haba!
i just want curl up at home with a good book or catch up on desperate housewives. i love it when it rains. i can stay indoors and listen to Carl Thoma's' summer rain over and over. apart from the fact that its a great song, its my caller id tone on his phone. did i mention i love him?

literary giant

2007-06-02T01:26:00.001-03:00

I've been to bed but cant sleep. i don't know why I've been thinking about school, every thing i learnt and perhaps what i didn't. i read English and English literature. i love literature even more and learnt to hate English(its technicalities) Noam Chomsky just seemed to have this idea that English students should be punished for not getting any maths in their curriculum. i just found out the guy isn't even dead yet. i thought people only became giants in their fields after they died and get to have students sweat fifty years later over theories they made as complex as possible.
anyway, i was in bed wondering why i lay claims to knowledge of the literary arts because it seems to me now like i left every thing i was taught in the exam halls.
i should be able to have lenghty conversations about Edgar Allan Poe or the guy who wrote The Native Son( i think his name starts with an R).i cant remember a thing about Paradise Lost or who said 'thy beauty is to me like those nicean barks of yore'(?)this is also one of the few lines i can say all by myself.
I remember a little about Shakespeare though. his works are not music to me but i understand why they still have a contemporary relevance.

Wole Soyinka , i adore. first time i was introduced to immortality via the arts it a very euraka-ish moment albeit a silent one as i'd have been sent out of class. soyinka took this away from me but i forgive him now.

he was only probing, its what poets do. i love especially how he made sure just in case the rest of us dont get him, we use pictures of him in our blogs because he looks really 'arty'
i wish Christopher Okibgo survived the Biafran war, his prophetic poems make him seem like he was a simple man. I've never understood why the middle Eastern or western gods have such a hold on us Africans. Idoto seems to me as good as any.
But thats a whole other topic.

my first

2007-06-01T00:53:00.000-03:00

i had a great topic for my first blog but decided to change it.
it was supposed to be about being raised catholic but i remembered in time that religion is always a great wayto piss people off.
and i dont want to that , at least not just yet. so today women, will be dedicated appropriatly to the day we became women- our very first time.
NO!!
NOT THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX, but the first time we saw our periods.
I was 13 when i saw my first period. i had been expecting it for a while, i had a friend who already saws hers so it was really no biggie and yet i screamed when i saw it. and who came rushing to see what was wrong if not daddy. i cant remember who was more embarrassed but more importantly, i soon learnt to use this to my advantage.
i learnt that daddy didnt want to know any details if it had to do with my period. so if i needed extra money all i had to do was make a'let the earth open up and swallow me' face and say 'my period came and...."
if i wanted to get out of any work, i made the appropriate face and mumbled 'cramps..'
and i find that even though daddy knows now its a trick he knows not to dabble in what might be a sticky situation.
ive always wondered what that makes of me?

a start

2007-05-29T00:48:00.001-03:00

: ive decedid i reallyy have to start some where.
i have to stop waiting for a flash of brilliant light. it will probably never come.
so this is me puting down something, anything- just for fun
WELCOME