Thursday, 11 October 2007

Virgin cliché

Recent posts in some blogs have been concerned with the modern(Nigerian)woman vis á vis her relationships, money and morality.

Is the Nigerian woman virtue-deficient as a whole?

I think not.

Alongside the blare of cable television introducing our society to everything western are our mothers screams. They are our constant reminders of what it means to be ''African''.

don't show your belly button

don't talk to a man first

cross your legs when you sit

the man is the head of the family

that skirt is way too short

go to school

*but while you are it look for a man.

many of us choose what we listen to and what to discard as ''old school''.

It is my opinion that the emerging hybrid of womanhood is still innately African. She may flaunt her modernism by being blatantly sexual, garner degrees and accolades longer than her traditional name.She may succumb to western 'frivolities' unheard of mere years ago, like boasting of her ability to order in, and holy of hollies-earn more money than her man.

Has that made her different? Are we unlike our mothers?

Mothers to be and mothers today. Or was her image a façade?

Do you think she didn't scheme and made sure the village wrestler caught her eye after he won the fight then sneak over to ''Amalinze's'' hut when her own man was past his prime?(sorry, i think that was my granny)

Recently,I was chatting with an old friend and used the F word and was surprised when I was reprimanded. I asked him why because he knew I was a cusser (albeit a light one), his answer was that I am married now.


When did being married bestow virtues?
I must have missed that class.

My point here just incase it went over some heads, is that just like i will beat the hell outta any child of mine for using the f word, our mothers were naughty too. But our men seem to think them the epitome(pronounced ipitəmē) of sainthood. they had 'bad' girls in the villages willing to be married off to the village chief for social status and comfort, arent 'these' aristo fore runners?
Every visit to my granny ends with prayers for me and future husband and blah blah. I am told not to follow men with money but to look for a God fearing man. Then one day I tell my granny I have a boyfriend and we want to get married, to my amazement, mama wanted to know if he had money? When I said jokingly that money doesnt matter, she laughed the laugh of age.

You see? We are no worse than our mothers.
Guys, forgive the inebriation of youth, our tank tops and tongs will pass, we will wash our potty mouths with ariel,we will clasp our rosaries to our lips in fervent prayer and then we will become your mothers.
Okwaya o wu ihe unu choro?
or will we?

On a lighter note,
Guys, if you could only have 2 qualities out of these 3, what would it be?(but comment on the above first)
  1. She is miss world beautiful, and sex is always a trip to shangri-la

  2. She cooks better than your mother(we are assuming ya mama sabi cook)

  3. The house and your clothes are always spotless.


Lighty said...

exactly, i have always thought on this line. of course they did all these things that we do now. my argument have always been they try to live the good life through us. they kinda look back and to imagine how their lives would be if they had done things different. most of all they want us to come out good responsive and loving wife, a lot more lucky than they r.

and for the guys. i bet they want it all. shows how their selfish mind works.

Zephi said...

femme femme femme..beautiful write up, it
even though i never voiced it out, I subconciously thought of it...
our mothers were not all saints now
were they?
If we could watch their past on a flat tv screen we will be amazed...of course they are humans..

But then it bothers me how disattached they can be...Like they were never young and their hormones were never raging, like they never lusted over a hung passing by...I put on this facade, "prim and proper" that I am really not and they buy it, especially my mum...
But then again I might be like my mother when I have my kids because thats the only way I know or I can choose to break the cycle...

I'll stop blabbiing, prolly went off on tangents...but yeah great post......
waiting to see what the fellas have to say

cally-waffybabe said...

LOL at your tease about your grandma. I'm soooo telling so you bera start begging now!!! lol.
Me thinks that we are moving too fast for our parents to comprehend, hence their admonishments or woteva. LMAO at your friend's hypocrisy also. So one can't cuss when they are married shoo? What has that got to do with the price of crayfish?!
These days women can still achieve a lot and garner self respect for themselves, whilst keeping it real. Look at Ngozi Okonji-Iweala. Very modern well learned Harvard educated woman, and yet she's so real. None of that fake banter dont wear this shit or don't do that crap. Nah mean?

Nyemoni said...

You are tew funny babes, love this post! I'm sorry I can't help you with the questions but I'm eager to know what the guys will answer... Good luck!

Ekoakete said...

I may be wrong, but I think our mother's generation of women were less in their mens face. (I suspect I'm going to get a roasting for that but hey ho..) or if they were going to be in their mens face they would do it indoors or at least let the man live in the self dellusion that he's running things... Moreover I think they want you to learn from their mistakes and not have history repeating...

1 & 3. I can always feed myself and there's take out otherwise...

femme said...

@ekoakete, of course many things have changed. the fact that the women are able to run their own lives and dont think men are masters anymore is translated into speaking back(whats wrong with that?)
i read a blog that got me upset because the author only had negative things to say about nigerian women- how they sleep around with younger men like him and for money. it is his opinion that the nigerian society is vile and debauched now.
This post isnt about our mothers being bad, its about african women still being women and able to function in their traditional roles as homemakers raising decent children while contributing financially towards the family.
@zephi, nyemoni- thanks, your compliments made my day.

Jaja said...

1 and 2 please..

I ll get a house keeper for 3

femme said...

i knew it was a bad idea to put the question for the guys, it makes it easier to run away from the topic. hmmm!

Afrobabe said...

lol @ aristo fore runners...

Yes oh, They also went missing on their way from the streams...Probably shagged in the bush....They were all virgins kuh..

But me self I am still a virgin oh, heard there is a cream that restores lost

Ok on a serious note I think our mothers did it the way women are actually supposed to do it..Coyly,not too blatant...They gave suggestive looks while we give can you handle it looks.

Ekoakete said...

@Femme: Well you have to admit he has a point. Lagos is particularly debauched and it's all down to the financial inequity that permeates Nigerian society. That a married man in Lagos has one or two girlfriends on the side is almost seen as par for the course these days. That's not to say everyone partakes of course...

I'm sure most men don't have a problem with their women being successful financially and as homemakers as long as a certain hierarchy is maintained in the house. No matter how modern or liberal the African man and despite what he might say otherwise, deep deep down he likes his role as the head of the household and whatever compromises that is trouble.

Ugo Daniels said...

...kinda reminds me of what most, if not all parents say about their education, 'I always come FIRST in class' It made me wonder then whether all parents took first positions and nobody ever came second or LAST...what an irony!

The human mind is dynamic. It changes with time and goes with the trend. A good example is a known serial killer telling his kids to avoid any violent movies or the likes. He cannot own up to what he had done or still does but will quickly caution his kid against such.

...that's how the human mind works also and your post about african woman goes same!

As per your addendum, I'll chose the FIRST AND THIRD!! Fortunately or unfortunately, i'm ALLERGIC to FUGLY girls, so, that aside!

I can't stand dirty surroundings too. It shuld always be clinically clean.

I guess i can manage average cooking but if worst comes to worst, we can hire a live in help!

Isi said...

femme, good post. i'm loving it! good to see u taking up the challenge. we need more women thinking on this line.
i'm happy; i was beginning to think i'm on my own of these thots.


My sista, I REALLY LIKE THIS POST! There has been a hierarchy in Nigerian society that places men above and before women. I have learnt that before our interaction with Europeans, women had more say and were on par with males in many aspects of every day living, but that is another issue for another day...

Our mothers were bold and they were smart. They played 'the game' very well. They convinced their men into believing that they controlled things. (I know I am going to get some hate mail for this). Very intelligent men, understood then and understand now, that their women control things and allow those women to shine. They sought women of character, strength and wisdom and fought to become their PARTNERS. We women, understanding the dynamics of our society, stood by as silent Partners, whose impact was felt behind closed doors.

I have no problem with that system, as long as the man appreciates that his wife is a controlling force and his partner is all things. Men have forgotten this, women have forgotten this, and so now we live in a society were women are hungry to reclaim their power and some of these women use their physical attributes as poor alternative to other tools such as their character and their intelligence. Unfortunately, the poverty that many women face in Nigeria also compounds the disparity, making some women too dependent on their men and allowing men to think that their women are easily replaceable for a newer, younger model. Well, let me stop. I liked your post and can't wait to read what others have to say about this simplistic "image" surrounding women in our society. I for one believe that my Husband and I are partners working hard to build something bigger that each of us as individuals. Thankfully, I am not just a wife and mother. Can't stand it when I hear men talk about us women as if we have no thoughts on issues and are only there to serve them.....

Nneka's World said...

Very beautiful write up
I so totally feel you on that aspect, so cliche....

thanks for stopping by...

Rinsola said...

Nyce post. On your questions, i guess the guys would choose all three. Quite important to them i believe.

Aijay said...

Lol @ trip to 'Shangrila'. Femme where are you from?
Seems Blogville is on fire this week. Wassup? I've read some posts related to this issue on a couple of blogs.

What can I say? We live in a patriarchal society. Unfortunately it's always been that way.
I believe in education (of the girl child that is). I think its the first step towards empowering women & moving away from stereotypical feminine roles(although some women choose to stick with performing those roles).
Some people need to change their mindset as well. Its 2007. I don't think anyone should expect women to have the 'siddon-look' attitude that some of our mothers have/had. Time to move past some 'silly' expectations from the African society.

NB:I'm no feminist o. Lol.

cally-waffybabe said...

I came to look for an update and a reply to my previous comment. Alas none! *crying out loud*

princesa said...

Nigerian women are hardworking, strong, selfless and loving!

I love this post femme.

You don drink champagne fopr my blog?? MY mumm's operation was good.
The party is at mommy's!

badderchic said...

Hmmm got me thinkin. lovin this.

thanks for droppin by. Im fine o! plus i don update

Confessions of a moody crab said...

Very interesting post and lol at the village wrestler. I think women were never the meek and faithful objects we've been taught. I mean if you look at the old testament you will see different stories of the schemng and manipulating women. Bible aside, do you think Cleopatra became the Queen of Egypt by being meek? I think not. Even in the villages where one man could marry up to 3 or 4 women and all would live togther. Of course in such houshold there would be loads of un-meekly and un-woman like attitudes at play.

So I believe that we are like are mothers except we live in a different age and probably more scheming/ambitious/educated.

The man in me prefers no 2 and 3....There will come a time when sex would mean a hip replacement surgery and that is not fun at all!

How you doing tho?

NikkiSab said...

Very lovely write up and i do agree with ur points.
Good one.

ozaveshe said...

if i could choose?

the first and last option, obviously. Iya Basira(of Styl plus fame) will take care of my mealtimes...

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

fantastic writeup.. lol i love how you incorporated some brazilian in there and your igbo is almost as spotless as mine... lol. i dont even know what to add to this simply cos you've said everything... its either that or i'll come back when i've had a little more sleep... lol.. how you been femme?

Isi said...

oookaay, i see u haven't updated- yet!

Labelle said...

I like this: "she laughed the laugh of age"...I know such laughs well enuff...
and can't help but giggle at ur friend who says not to use the F-word cos u married...
and if i were a man, could i have all 3 qualities...yeah..i'd be greedy like dat...but then again Jaja has a point.

Manda said...

awww gurl, u neva seize to amaze me wit ur writeups! Nice one! Imma come comment beta later. Hope u're good!

cally-waffybabe said...

Updates please.

femme said...

abeg no vex.
i dont have anything to say, so no new posts.
hope u are all ok and having a nice weekend

Waffarian said...

Good post. Yes, its 2007, everybody get used to it. I think the main problem today, is that men still want to have their cake and eat it. And it is a mighty shame, that the Nigerian society still encourages men to behave as if they can get away with anything. The moment a woman puts her foot down and refuses to be treated that way, my oh my, both men and women will eat your head off! I believe women in Nigeria still have a long way to go. I know many friends who are married and will say shit like "I can't go there, I am married", " Can't you see I am married?", etc, I have heard it all, the latest one was a friend of mine who started using the noun "my husband" in every sentence. Mind you, we all grew up together and have called the man by his name for as long as I can remember, but now when she calls, its "my husband said this or that", it always takes me a couple of minutes before I can get who the hell she is talking about!

zerkhezi said...

Alot of wot we a taught while growing up i feel are instructions to keep us in check i.e to behave as good children. God forbid we bring shame to our families. But i think parents realise that we will grow up someday and get exposed to the outside world and naturally, we will change. A girl who behaves as her mother instructed her to seems ideal but really would i speak to such a girl? she's be so boring and out of touch with the modern world.I don't know any1 with the will power to not bow to hormonal pressures and the need to belong to the modern world. Mixing both worlds together has produced strong women. Women who have deep seated strong values and can blend with modernisation when the need arises.Translation - good,sweet innocent when mummy and daddy are around and a fucking loose cannon when they are not. African women are cool, strong and beautiful.

My wife need not be miss world beautiful, i am no brad pitt so extra competition is not needed. I don't want a slave either so all that stuff abt food and clothes ready at all times is too military for me. She has to be able to cook though. I have tasted some awfull stuff from some african girls(sadly) but can any1 ever beat mum? i fucking think not.

Atutupoyoyo said...

A very well considered post femme. It is like the perennial question that has always bugged me since childhood - If everyone's mum and dad came first at school, then where are the ones that came last? The point is that every parent, in hindsight, was perfect and lived in a world without miscreants. The reality of course is quite the opposite.

In answer to your question - 1 and 2 every day.

Nyemoni said...

Nice...LOL...Oya o! Update or is Frank keeping you occupied?

guerreiranigeriana said...

i love this post...great insight and so true...its amazing sometimes how much pressure parents put on their children without realizing it...i'm not a guy but i'm striving to be all three for them:)...i heard calabar women are really dad's people are from cross river, whenever i finally make it home, i am going to find an apprenticeship with a calabar woman or two;)...when i leave, i will be the best cook, best fuck and best housecleaner, as well as beautiful, intelligent, ambitious and a go-getter....haha...

bighead said...

Is the Nigerian woman virtue-deficient as a whole? No

don't show your belly button Yes especially if you have a "pot-belly button"

don't talk to a man first Why the heck not? makes our job easier.

cross your legs when you sit Yes

the man is the head of the family Yes. I'm a man, can't betray the gender

that skirt is way too short That one is tricky. But watch the occasion? Church clothes should be decent. And what's the point if it not long enough to let you be comfortable

go to school

*but while you are it look for a man.
yes but don't sleep in his room

and for the multiple-choice questions at the end, I choose options 1 and 3. Which did frank choose?

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...


Isi said...

femme whatagwan! update nah!!

Female and Nigerian

Text Widget

About me

Who am I?

Semi retired feminist, closet online shopaholic, avid googler, unapologetic foodie who refuses to count calories until they are an acceptable means of barter.

Contact Form


Email *

Message *

Total Pageviews

top social

top navigation


death (3) nigeria (3) brazil (2) friend. (2) liar (2) race (2) school (2) sister (2) tekken (2) thief (2) #jollofgate (1) Baronetti (1) Blood (1) Brother (1) Charlie (1) Christmas (1) Club (1) Dutch (1) Enabe (1) Jollof rice (1) Lola (1) Netherlands (1) Note to self (1) Phones (1) Russia (1) Sinterklass (1) Techno (1) VIP (1) agbani darego (1) beach (1) beer (1) blondes (1) boobs (1) bully (1) cachaça (1) caipirinha (1) cancer (1) chicken (1) chicks (1) copeira (1) crush (1) daddy (1) dance (1) dead (1) dog meat (1) exams (1) fineboy (1) football (1) frank (1) ghana (1) hair (1) hausa (1) igbo (1) kenya (1) love (1) lucozade (1) mail (1) manicure (1) me (1) men (1) mother's day (1) motherhood (1) nails. (1) naira (1) ndi enyi (1) nigerian women (1) nigerians (1) oprah (1) period (1) pidgin (1) pregnant (1) racism (1) rain (1) relaxer (1) rotterdam (1) saints (1) santa (1) sexy (1) soludo (1) stew (1) suya (1) trampoline (1) tribes (1) water (1) wome (1) women (1) yoruba (1) zwart Piete (1)


Search This Blog


recent posts


Flickr Images

Like us on Facebook

Follow Us

Recent Posts

Add to Technorati Favorites

Popular Posts