Saturday, 25 August 2007

red handed

There isn't any good way to say this so I'll just jump right in and say it-

I used to be a very good thief, but more importantly a good liar. the only person who knows when I'm lying is my elder sister. nobody knows how she does it.
when i say thief, i don't mean its not safe for people to kept their stuff around me. I've never stolen money( hold that thought, i don't think I've ever stolen money)
I'll leave the little things i did at home and concern myself with things i took from other people.

i loved reading novels and unfortunately, 'no, you cant borrow my book' sounded a lot like ' you can take it when I'm not looking'.
i learnt to 'case' the owners environs, watch the way the book was handled, where it was kept, who was going to read it next then made my move.
once i took a novel from one of the most wicked seniors in school and seconds later watched from my own room as she asked all the juniors in her room to go kneel outside as her book had mysteriously disappeared. and to think one of my best friends was one of them. ( Sorry Onyinye)

The most important thing about lying is consistency and presentation- many people make the mistake of using the ' how dare u think that of me face' when the 'I'm disappointed you think that of me face' would suffice.
I made a friend later in life( see me talking like I've had a long life) who couldn't understand the concept of lying even to save his own ass and actually called it 'fibbing'. while he was explaining to me I was thinking ' go back to Malory towers Darell'.
I'm sorry but lying is an evolutionary tool and i'm doing my part to keep humanity alive.

Back to secondary school-
I'm a senior in ss2, the final year students are days away from writing their last papers.
A teacher calls me and tells me to carry two pots of rice and stew to the ss3 female hostel.
I'm affronted by this degradation, but proceed to get it over with.
I'm murmuring to my self asking why they cant eat in the dining like every one else. I get to the room and find it empty, I was actually leaving when I thought
'a fish tail would taste mighty fine this afternoon',
so, I reach into the stew pot, and fish out (pardon me) a fish.
Just as I swallowed the last of it, Three seniors walk into the room talking loudly about their just concluded paper. One of them looks at me and says 'did you put your hands in our stew?'
never had i been so insulted in my life( and that's exactly what i said)
'fish again? you insult me because of common fish'? (i am sorry to change mouth, but this is a perfect 'do you know who i am' situation.)
she reaches for me and says
'you obviously just ate some and the stew is still on your fingers '
by now more seniors had walked in including the head girl and they all looked on at the new thief.
Me? I was cooler than the gang.
"Stew on my fingers? for fuck sakes i carried the stew pot on top of the rice pot all the way from the kitchen and you dont think a little of it would touch me? the whole school had rice and stew for lunch too .'
I see the face of the crowd change as they acknowledge how much sense this makes.
The head girl steps in at this point and says ' i know femme, haba! she is beyond fish'
and to me
'oya go to your prep class'.
na so i take commot.

Frank has heard from my family about my 'prowess', i've tried to assure him I've almost never lied to him. I'm an adult now, haven't been foolish in a long while and more importantly dont have anybody to answer to.
People lie because they are afraid of the consequences and need to take the easy way out. Or maybe i should say i lied becos...
will tell you the lie in phony femme .

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

salute to soludo and frank

So my last posts have been very unusual to say the least. perhaps i should say something that is socially aware or politically tinged. Unfortunately the only Nigerian news that has interested me recently is financial.

Soludo seems to have big plans for Nigeria. the guy has tried, all his reforms all seemed far fetched for Nigeria but have succeeded in making the banking sector the most active in the Nigerian stock exchange, foreign companies like HSBC are no longer afraid of investing in national banks.
Don't tell me you have not heard cos its old news now. The guy is out with a big one- the re-domination of the naira by removing two zeros such that 100 naira becomes 1 naira and making the 20 naira note the largest denomination available. This sounds mighty good to me. i suppose there will be problems but can only be good for us i think. apparently, Brazil did this more than once before they got it right.
we will be praying for our country and hope better times are near.

on to lighter matters.
so i was in a class when my phone rang, i dont know why i didnt answer cos usually i would. i got home to see it was from my husband( i think i have to find a name for him, okofemme? di femme? )
anyways, i check my mail and find this from him-

Subject: Pls arrange chicken this night
I tried calling but could not get thru. Please try to arrange some fried chicken for me this night before I get home.
Thank you for being a darling.
Love you.

i had fried his dearly beloved chicken a long time ago but decided to send him something to make him smile.

subject: eat this!
guy, that one will not work o.
so we have now reached arranging via the net abi?
very soon, we'll be trying to structure sex.
'honey can we do six-ish'
'guy, no fucking way'
today today you will meet me to ba de ile.
chicken ko!

after a while i got this reply that has to be the funniest mail i ever got in my life-

subject : eat this abi?
Come, what is wrong with you sef? If I call and you do not pick your phone how will you know what I am going to eat?
My friend don´t be silly. Better have that chicken ready before 5 pm. Or else . . . .
When did that one start. Because you are in Oyinbo land you want to start making ako here. Your eye will clear if I do not see this chicken when I get home. Because of that I am leaving work now.
See you soon!!!!

omg! i laughed tire. whats with Nigerians and 'my friend?'
when ever my dad called you his 'friend', you had to be in serious trouble.
'my friend will you shut up your mouth before i shut it for you!'
another funny one is 'who's your friend, my friend?'
when ever i read the 'my friend , dont be silly' part, it gets me every time.

since the name of my blog is femme and frank the name of the guy in femme's life will be frank. a very obvious choice but it will have to work.

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

strictly nonsense

just finished reading princessa's post

girl, that was one funny post.
but everyone knows its true. give a man a pair and he's in lala land. i think the only thing better than a pair of boobs would be a pair that em... brings out(?) the man's brand of beer.
guys, can u imagine a world were you can drink stout while playing ludo(im trying not to be crude here).
in this perfect world,every woman would emit a certain brand, some girls would be Guinness stout,others Star and the cheap ass girls would be like nutri c or something.
talk about having a bad taste in your mouth.
just for the sake of conflict, what if a man fell in love with a Harp woman and is a strictly Guilder guy, how long would this last?
are men ready to change brands for love?.
and if u had visitors would you offer a drink?
wow! i am giving this way too much thought.

to another slightly related matter. how many of u have seen the lucozade ad were the guy drinks a little, to see how much boost he needs to escape from the cheetah?
i always thought they could make a follow up where the cheetah takes a sip of the lucozade on the ground, mehn, that guy's eyes will clear
meanwhile it was rather dumb to test the cheetah first as its supposed to be the fastest land animal( or cat)

i need to post something intelligent soon.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

my preciousssss

HE gave me gist a while ago about a guy he knows that looks exactly like he was the face that inspired smeargols graphic creator.
Any way, we got invited to a little dinner party last weekend, we were the first to arrive .even though i had forgotten about this gist, immediately i saw the guy, i saw the uncanny resemblance. I'm sure this is the first time uncanny really means uncanny. I'm not saying the guy is ugly o, cos he's not. he 's just nerdy looking, but he looks exactly like whatisname.

I've seen many people come to Brazil, the land of beaches, chicks in bikinis and lots of sex( all true) but the type they get to score with they could probably find at home cos they end settling for a not so hot chick(usually very fat, at least she's still Brazilian) the last guy that came from Nigeria had to finally settle for a woman he was calling 'iya', you only had to see her to understand. i actually have pictures of them together. my guy no send anybody, all he knew was he wasn't going back home without peeling a Brazilian.
any way the main gist here is the fact that this smeagol's lookalike walked in with the girl in every man's wet dreams.
and just to prove to us he was hitting that, she was well and pregnant.

I'm only typing this to while away at least 30 more minutes so that my hair will done. i m retouching my hair my self because I'm tired of semi white salon people looking at me with that you know its your hair's fault. Worse part is I have really thick and hard hair. They look at me like that in salons in Nigeria but explaining to another blackie that your hair is very hard is different from saying the same to a non negroid( finally i get to use the word in a sentence)
I've been on interesting journeys with this my hair. my mum used to relax my hair with with Venus but it would burn half of the hair while the other part would look like it hadn't seen relaxers in years. in secondary school girls came back with their hair all slick while i couldn't weave my hair for the first 2 weeks because my head was half koko.
after a while, i changed to dark and lovely kit, it only got slightly better- no serious burns just untamed hair.
finally i was introduced to Gentle touch it was a whole lot better and a whole lot cheaper.
one day a woman in the saloon asked me to try ozone which is also made in Nigeria i think and is like 80 bucks. it works wonders for me without any heat. apparently my hair is trying to remind me of my pedigree or lack of, it appreciates only made in Nigeria and the very cheap ones too.
I always knew i would make a very cheap wife one day.
I still have to wait at least 2 hours for my hair to be ready though.
if anybody out there knows a relaxer that is less than 50 bucks and i mean Naira, I'm sure it will do the trick in less time.
i just know it.
my hair should be ready now. i guess.

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

Machetes and witches?

Just came across an article that says the price of machetes have dropped since the end of general elections. I' m still trying to understand what this means.
 I was still trying to decide if I should shove this bit of news in funny category as opposed to annoying, when I saw a Google ad that asked if I needed a machete because they could hook me up. Must admit it definitely tilted things towards funny. I could ask my self how this reinforces perceptions of Nigeria internationally but what i really want to know is who was so jobless as to do a research on the machete market.

Talking of joblessness, I don't know how I found my self in Nigerian witchcraft sites.
I didn't realize they were on the net and moving with the times. One of the stories I found about witches in Nigeria was about a 'witch' who had stolen a man's penis. I don't know how it works but if I dabbled in the black arts, why take a penis? Ok, now I'm thinking why not?
The next time Frank annoys me I could de-man him if I wished.

If only women had the power to take it away from men when ever we wanted (this is beginning to sound very Freudian), I'm sure this would take care of world peace and other little man made troubles like machete wielding Nigerians.
I did mention I was jobless didn't ?

Thursday, 2 August 2007

jake and my little heart

I'm watching a re-run of an old program, a ten year old girl is in love with a musician who comes to visit her uncle and understandably i remember my first crush. i was ten years old and i was in love with a star too. i was staring -with- dreamy- eyes, crazy- in l-ove and head over school sandals with Joe Penny(Jake and the fat man)
he was my personal Mcsteamy, he was so cool, so suave- sexy doesn't even begin to describe Jake.
As a child i always went to bed very late But when i was about ten, my dad decided to enforce a strict bedtime for me(my siblings didn't need it because they were all in bed by 8 the chickens!).
so dad calls me and says i have to be in bed by ten pm every school night.
There was no way i could be in bed by ten, Jake and the fat man started by ten on Sundays
i begged, i cried and did the whole adorable daughter thingy( and this was when i was his favourite o, before Cheez grew her own look-how-cute-my-eyes-are face).

daddy was adamant and that was that, but i had a plan up my sleeves. the next Sunday i said goodnight some minutes before 10pm and dutifully went to bed. few minutes later i crawled out of my room to the living room and hid behind a chair. just as it was about to start daddy came in and changed the channel to off all things, Oprah, and he says its crap o( u see u men!). by this time I'm sweating like a sallah ram because he's sitting on the chair i chose as my hide spot and if he catches me...
i wait for a while, i knew that by the end of his second B and H, he'd go to seemed like eternity and he wasn't budging, then i heard a definite snore followed by heavy smoker's cough.(I've told him if cancer kills him, no crying from me). he obviously wasnt going anywhere soon.
hmm, what to do? what to do?
i crawl out from behind, to the coffee table, expecting to find the remote but it s not in sight. f@#k it, this is the moment that separates real love from I'm-ur -biggest-fan crap. Nothing will stand in the way of my love for u Jake Styles. Nothing!
I begin the slow crawl to the tv set and of course its miles away. i reach it and pause, when I change the channel, will the termination of oprah's soothing drone wake up my old man( i hate this expression, why am i using it?) but nothing happens, i havent missed much thank god. i crawl back to my fathers side and lie down beside him like the good dog that i am.

it was a very passionate episode, it was the first time Jake actually liked the girl he was sleeping with, they made love the way its done in the movies with everything going in the right places and everyone whispering the right words. i was so enthralled. i wonder now why i wasn't jealous. You see, t.v love is not like real life love,there's no jealousy. i was happy when he was happy, i loved him more when he was in love(and lets face it he darned well couldn't show it to me)
suddenly, the bad guys come out of no where and in slow motion(at least thats the way i remember it) kill Jake's chick.
his pain was mine, they had taken away his love, he could never be with her, like i could never be with him.
he pain was terrible to behold, i wanted to hold him and tell him every thing would be better. then he began to get angry , like crazy Mel angry and you could see he was going to kick ass, he was so angry that he-

I'm very sad to say nepa took the light, i never got to see my love maim those sonsofbitches.
it would be the ultimate liver chopping if i woke dad up to put on the gen.

anyway,now i know better, daddy should have tried harder to make sure i went to bed on time. but the truth is, he liked the fact that i stayed up waiting for him and we ate suya alone without the 'others'.
now i'm paying for it. its almost 3.30am and i cant sleep.

would help for sure.
check out this blog oyibo.
i like it becos its a different perspective

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Semi retired feminist, closet online shopaholic, avid googler, unapologetic foodie who refuses to count calories until they are an acceptable means of barter.

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