Wednesday, 25 July 2007

sex, tribe, race,marrige and no apologies

ive been to a number of post about inter racial and inter-tribal marriages. but was mostly inspired by experimenters vs knowers

truth be told id rather marry an oyibo than marry a Nigerian from another tribe. for many reasons( or may be just one or two)
first off all Nigerians just have to much wahala. marriage in nigeria is more than a union between man and the chick that he digs. it wasn't until my traditional wedding i finally saw some new angles to my beloved. if he doesn't fight for you at this point, you are fucked. some times i wonder if i have the best mother-in-law in the world because shes not Nigerian. my own mother is very nice to her sons- in law but if u make mistake and say ( my younger and only brother) bob has a girlf... the way her face changes is enough to know your life is in danger. mehn, i pity the girl he marrys.
my sis in law married a guy from another tribe and there was a lot of stress involved as there was in my own family when my sister married a yoruba guy. my parents were relieved when they found he was from onitsha but his father didn't think this was still good news.
(meanwhile, my younger sister was engaged to this guy who is from my mother's village and his umere nne is my dads place. so she hit the jack pot, of cos both parents are ex tactic. they just broke up this week and we still dont know how to tell said parents)

theoretically, i wouldn't mind if I'd fallen in love with a guy from another tribe( there's just one tribe i absolutely wont have anything to do with because I've been through a lot of tribalistic crap with them, call this reverse tribalism if you like). once upon a time i used to love hausa guys but i think that was because i didn't know any.
the truth is i have a strong thing for my own culture and i think the igbos aren't doing too well now culturally. so i want to do a lot to help its matter.
as a woman id be expected to give up my past and integrate with my new people and i just cant hack that.why does this sound sexist? ive had cousins in intertribal marriages where they cant decide what their children will be called. one side calls the child okoro, the other insists his name is anuoluwapo. this is not the same as choosing between peter and paul.
my fellow nigerians know this is true.
ive worked very hard at being igbo, this may sound strange to many people but I'm one of those lagos girls who couldnt speak her language. i say couldnt because i changed that by making a consious effort and going to school in the east. i know HE likes it becos i read his year one diary and this was one of his requirements for his future correct babe( that she speak impeccable English and speak igbo too).
i want igbo to be my children's first language so will have to speak only igbo to them, meanwhile my darling husband is insisting that they speak onitsha igbo. how that one wan take to work now? when u no fit speak and the thing dey for my hand? i guess thats why its called mother
as per racism
a while back my mom tried to fix me up with this oyibo millionaire.
he came to nigeria, went to the village and fell in love with naija and apparently me. but didn't say a word. went back to the states and told my mom because he thought since we are Africans once mama don gree, everything is settled.the guy barely spoke to me except once when he said i looked really good in a dress(we were at a party and the only thing he had seen me in prior was t shirts and knickers)
so my mom calls me on the phone
- hello, nnem( i loved it when she calls me this till i heard her call the house help too)do u remember mr white?
femme- yes what happened to him?
mama- he said he likes you and wants to marry you.
femme- are you serious? why didnt he say something when he was here
mama- well he can always comeback and i know you like white men so i guess you'd be happy
femme- but i told you i have a boyfriend now
mama- ehn. i know but nnem he's a millionaire o.
i was like wow! my new boyfriend and husband to be was still a jobseeker o. his shoes were always praying to god for mercy while slapping v.i looking for work.
mama- he says you don't even have to marry him now, you can just come to school here and wait till you are ready?
this gist was getting better and better.
mama- so what do you think?
femme- na wa for you o, so you'll just let me marry him like that.
mama- whats there? i know his family, his mother. what again?
femme- do you know how old he is?
(this is me considering)
mama- he is 40. but forget age.
femme- forget age ke? i'm barely 20.

i gave my boy friend this gist and he said i should marry the guy now, wait one year, divorce him and come back to him and im still not sure if this was a joke or just his feet hurting.
my dad said he wouldnt mind if the guy was 30. i guess all everybody could hear was chi ching.
this is too long . should just stop here.


Té la mà Maria - Reus said...

beijos i molto obrigado per la tua visita a nostro blog

chicala said...

lol@ ur bf, smart idea. But is he serious? And girl i so feel u on preferring an oyibo issue. I rily wont mind either, their lives are so much less complicated when it comes to marriage.

Will be back for the complete gists, i wonder what happened , did u agree with ur mum?

Thanks for stopping by my page.

diary of a G said...

I so like what ur boyfriend said
lol lol lol
I think I told at lease 2 or 3 of my past girlfriends the same thing
Its a good hustle o

man I can't stand these millionaires
If ur a millionaire you should have options--how pathetic lol

sorry am just mad am not a millionaire YET

but 40 dammmmmmmm

A Kel called Wonder ...... said...

lol lets say ur lucky to have found a great dude from ur tribe. I and all my sisters used to talk and think like you. My dad also preffered Oyibo to any other tribe or some ibo communities. We ibos are particularly like that we even have problems with certain ibo clans.

Anyway i know the key to it all is understanding and meeting the right correct and God fearing dude nne. Good luck!

Manda said...

Na wa o! babe, u funny o! which kind arrangee marriage be dat sef? Makes me remember one guy that met me n my older sis in a flight when we were going to ph. The guy did not tell me he liked me o! instead took my sis' number and kept bothering her to arrange wife for him(me), i was barely 18 then and was soo sure i would have given him beta slap if i ever got to meet him, guess he got tired though.

I am lovinggg ur blog! adding you to my list jare.

This guy wey pop ur cherry try o!lol

princesa said...

Nnem,ur mum and mine must be related o!
Ur conversation with ur mum just reminded me so much of mine.
So are u married now? cos i didnt quite get that from ur post.

Aijay said...

Lol @ what ur bf suggested. Sounds like what mine would say.(jokingly ofcourse)
I'm not married but i know an intra-tribal marriage is not a piece of cake, talk less of the inter-tribal ones, the cultural differences & all that. I guess it all depends on the parties involved.
Anyhow, i think with time we'll gradually move past all that.

femme said...

thanks alot people
@diary of a g dont hate the oyibo and i hope u are joking about saying same thing to ur girlfriends
@princessa yes im married now to the same boyfriend and like i said i still dont know if he was joking.

diary of a G said...

I can't say I meant it as a joke o

its true some men wish...

actually ur married let me shut up

Nyemoni said...

hey you! Thanks for stopping by my space!

pamelastitch said...

LOL!! Your mom is funny.

As i mentioned on my blog: Oyibo and Africans getting married or having a relationship is generally so much easier than Africans from different ethnic groups or regions "attempting" to get it on.... :-)


An Aunts Opinion said...

The right person is the person who despite age, nationality, race or tribe makes every effort to make you and your family happy.That person will eventually be accepted by all.

Omosewa said...

Hehehe @ your mom and your bfs reply. I feel you on most of this sha, i do.

LurLar said...

Naija pple nd tribal wahala......i feel u jare. Ur mom is funny oh!!!I agree wit ur bf too, atleast inherit some of his money after divorce, nd come nd settle down, but reality will kick in, when u r done with d oyinbo guy, cos ur bf might not appreciate u d way he used to.

Atutupoyoyo said...

Very interesting.

When I started reading it I was sad at first that you were a tribalist. By the end of it I realise that you are just being a realist.

In the year 2007, there are still too many issues with inter-tribal marriages. I have had friends whose lives and relationships have been made an absolute hell because they happen to love someone from the 'wrong' tribe.

It appears to me that racial prejudices and stereotypes are easier to overcome than the tribal kind. To this end, two of my sisters have even married oyinbo men because of the lack of cultural tension in the relationship.

At the end of the day like Aunty said, we all pray that whoever we marry will love and cherish us irrespective of race, tribe or religion.

IJEOMA said...

interesting post sha... Your boyfriend is funny...
as for me.. i rather marry a nigrian from a different tribe than a oyibo.. And this is saying a lot but i just think, my cultural understandings is vastly different from that of an oyibo but similar to that of a fellow Nigerian.

Sisbee said...

intra tribal marriage amongst Igbo's is usually stressful but at the end of the day if two people really care about each other then they sould go for it, marriage is serious business man and no one can dictate anything about someone else's happiness I mean these issues are life issues. And I talk from first hand experience! The right person will usually win the heart of the other family if he/she really cares.

Porter deHarqourt said...

i feel u all the way.

there certainly is a lot to think about when choosing a life partner and somehow tribe is a major part of the whole arrangement.

i like to think i'm open minded, but will i want a son whosemiddle name is Yuri?

Nilla said...

Interesting post.

I think I'd prefer to marry a Nigerian from another tribe than an oyibo.....but it's not such a big issue for me.

Thanx for stopping by my blog.

BeautyinBaltimore said...

Another Nigerian(can't remeber who) blogger mentioned that her parents prefered her to marry a yt before an African-American or someone who is not from her ethnic group. I hate that black people seperate ourselves like this.
Although I acknowledge that it is indeed easier to marry someone who you share a similar culture with when you leave Africa you become a black woman, you are not a Yoruba,Ibo or Haussa woman to the rest of the world. You are just a black woman.

I also think that black people and particulary Africans(through out the continet) look up to white people to much.

femme said...

@atutu- anybody who knows me that tribalism is a big issue with me. its the one thing that can set me off the wrong road. like u said, i was only trying to be realistic.even my mother is chilling on this matter cos right now shes trying to hook my youngest sis to a yoruba guy.theres hope for change.meanwhile i got tired trying to type atutupoyoyo.
@beauty- i don't know your orientation, but its not the same for us as it is for African Americans. yes, I've had my share of racism living abroad but tribalism is the issue for us. oyibo in the post did not necessarily mean a white just means someone less ethnic.(i think i used that word wrongly. its a very funny word to me.ethnic. i get why white folks use it but its still funny)
and its not true that Africans look up to white people(well, maybe just a little, or more than a little). some families would rather die than have children married to white people. whenever i wanted to freak my granny out , id just say 'mama, I'm going to marry oyibo', and she'd start wailing.
thanks for your comments

יש (Yosh) said...

VERY nice post about inter-tribal/racial marriages. That's some serious ish there you find yourself o!

I wouldn't mind marrying an Oyimbo. Wherever the love thingy takes me, I'd do. But then,like I left a comment on Ugo's post based on a similar issue about parents' acceptance, I think everything boils down to both couples-to-be. Just like u said, "...Naija marriage i more than a union between a man and the chick he digs, and if your partner doesn't fight for you..." then you're pwnd BIG TIME. I'd not let anyone stand in my way sha. I'm expecting anything and everything, cos of my choices.

Lovely post and thanks for stopping over @ my joint

chioma said...

my dear i feel u..igbo people def hav issues with thier culture..i too starting speaking igbo as a young adult..and i speak to my boys and try to get igbo help it is now they understand perfectly and can easily make sentences in Igbo..people are often shocked when they hear me speak igbo to them but i dont play with it..Naija peeps got tribal issues..I had never planned to marry an igbo guy(all the igbo boys i knew in school were annoying and mostly cult boys) but i am kinda happy i did.

femme said...

i woke up this morning and was surprised to see an old friend online, but the bigger surprise was she needed me to advice her. she is in a relationship and its getting serious really quickly. trouble is his Yoruba(she's igbo)
of course her mother is ready to kill her and she wanted me to tell her what to do. i asked her how he treats her. does he make her feel like she's important to him. if the answer is yes, she has to find a way to stand up to her mum.
people, my point is, my blog is my own space where i share my personal views. tribalism doesn't sit well with me, but when it comes to marriage especially for gender based reasons I'm happy i stuck to my own. this is what PERSONALLY means. it means it applies to only me.

Thanks yosh and chioma for stopping over.

Female and Nigerian

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