Wednesday, 25 July 2007

sex, tribe, race,marrige and no apologies

ive been to a number of post about inter racial and inter-tribal marriages. but was mostly inspired by experimenters vs knowers

truth be told id rather marry an oyibo than marry a Nigerian from another tribe. for many reasons( or may be just one or two)
first off all Nigerians just have to much wahala. marriage in nigeria is more than a union between man and the chick that he digs. it wasn't until my traditional wedding i finally saw some new angles to my beloved. if he doesn't fight for you at this point, you are fucked. some times i wonder if i have the best mother-in-law in the world because shes not Nigerian. my own mother is very nice to her sons- in law but if u make mistake and say ( my younger and only brother) bob has a girlf... the way her face changes is enough to know your life is in danger. mehn, i pity the girl he marrys.
my sis in law married a guy from another tribe and there was a lot of stress involved as there was in my own family when my sister married a yoruba guy. my parents were relieved when they found he was from onitsha but his father didn't think this was still good news.
(meanwhile, my younger sister was engaged to this guy who is from my mother's village and his umere nne is my dads place. so she hit the jack pot, of cos both parents are ex tactic. they just broke up this week and we still dont know how to tell said parents)

theoretically, i wouldn't mind if I'd fallen in love with a guy from another tribe( there's just one tribe i absolutely wont have anything to do with because I've been through a lot of tribalistic crap with them, call this reverse tribalism if you like). once upon a time i used to love hausa guys but i think that was because i didn't know any.
the truth is i have a strong thing for my own culture and i think the igbos aren't doing too well now culturally. so i want to do a lot to help its matter.
as a woman id be expected to give up my past and integrate with my new people and i just cant hack that.why does this sound sexist? ive had cousins in intertribal marriages where they cant decide what their children will be called. one side calls the child okoro, the other insists his name is anuoluwapo. this is not the same as choosing between peter and paul.
my fellow nigerians know this is true.
ive worked very hard at being igbo, this may sound strange to many people but I'm one of those lagos girls who couldnt speak her language. i say couldnt because i changed that by making a consious effort and going to school in the east. i know HE likes it becos i read his year one diary and this was one of his requirements for his future correct babe( that she speak impeccable English and speak igbo too).
i want igbo to be my children's first language so will have to speak only igbo to them, meanwhile my darling husband is insisting that they speak onitsha igbo. how that one wan take to work now? when u no fit speak and the thing dey for my hand? i guess thats why its called mother
as per racism
a while back my mom tried to fix me up with this oyibo millionaire.
he came to nigeria, went to the village and fell in love with naija and apparently me. but didn't say a word. went back to the states and told my mom because he thought since we are Africans once mama don gree, everything is settled.the guy barely spoke to me except once when he said i looked really good in a dress(we were at a party and the only thing he had seen me in prior was t shirts and knickers)
so my mom calls me on the phone
- hello, nnem( i loved it when she calls me this till i heard her call the house help too)do u remember mr white?
femme- yes what happened to him?
mama- he said he likes you and wants to marry you.
femme- are you serious? why didnt he say something when he was here
mama- well he can always comeback and i know you like white men so i guess you'd be happy
femme- but i told you i have a boyfriend now
mama- ehn. i know but nnem he's a millionaire o.
i was like wow! my new boyfriend and husband to be was still a jobseeker o. his shoes were always praying to god for mercy while slapping v.i looking for work.
mama- he says you don't even have to marry him now, you can just come to school here and wait till you are ready?
this gist was getting better and better.
mama- so what do you think?
femme- na wa for you o, so you'll just let me marry him like that.
mama- whats there? i know his family, his mother. what again?
femme- do you know how old he is?
(this is me considering)
mama- he is 40. but forget age.
femme- forget age ke? i'm barely 20.

i gave my boy friend this gist and he said i should marry the guy now, wait one year, divorce him and come back to him and im still not sure if this was a joke or just his feet hurting.
my dad said he wouldnt mind if the guy was 30. i guess all everybody could hear was chi ching.
this is too long . should just stop here.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

brazilian air crash

e ma gba mi olorun, i said it! i said it o.!
A plane just crashed in Brazil and to be frank i was expecting it. the last time we came in from Nigeria, i told hubby it had to be the last time we used that bloody TAM. they are blaming the weather and the runway but thats all rubbish. i didn't miss not dying in that adc crash to come and die here.

I've been in my share of bad planes( being a Nigerian and all) but TAM really takes the cream.i don't know the mechanics of a plane but i swear the plane groans each time it changes gear.
ive always been a bad flyer because it usually includes two of my worst fears: falling from a height and falling into a large mass of water.
some days before the adc plane crashed last year(?) i was going to Lagos from Abuja and just before i boarded an aunt called me and asked me to come see her, i told her i was going to Lagos and she started with all the prayers. during the flight i was very nervous, the plane kept doing this dipping that made me wished i had passed up on lunch. when its a really bad flight i start checking my bag to see if i have any thing to slash my throat with because i'd rather go out like that.
the plane suddenly went down for like 10 second and a small shriek escaped my lips, the woman beside me looked at me like 'whats wrong with you".
i look at her and say 'but that was scary". but me i was thinking 'if you like be forming 'i'm a seasoned air traveler".
anyways going back to abuja i decided to bus it and went via abc. i got into town early i decided to go to gwagwalada to get some of my things from my sisters place, when an okada suddenly sweeps me off the road. i.m on the floor thinking wtf when my phone rings and the same aunty is hysterical on the phone. after i calmed her down she told me she had been trying to reach me all day because there had been an adc crash. i assured her i was fine and had come back by bus. she kept on crying and asking if i was really okay i wonder what she'd have done if she knew i was picking my self off the high way.
Any accident is a bad way to go, i hope they all find peace

Thursday, 12 July 2007

solomon had a point

this world is going to the dogs mehn!
all u have to do is watch some of these shows on TV, to see how bad things are. i don't know why but i love to watch my super sweet sixteen, wife swap and the British nanny show( actually i know why i love to watch them- they are absolutely revolting).

talking about TV shows- LOST is f@#king with me o.
do they still have a plan? or na may we take am as e be.
they better have something big at the end ( it will probably end like WAR OF THE WORLDS where the problem was so big that the resolution was absolute crap).
remember when LOST was so good , every scene had a classic WTF moment, like when the school teacher guy blew him self up with the dynamite at the black rock.

any way, leave all this oyibo matter, children need a lot of discipline and its obvious that civilisation belittles this philosophy. my parents almost never beat us children ( 'cept once when i ran away from home for like 2 hours , nobody noticed so becos`i wanted a bit more attention next day i ran away with my siblings for the whole day, (my bother was like 3 and i was 8)when they found me at about 10 pm, my father was fuming so badly that his samanja moustache was quivering. he picked me up by the ear, my mother came and begged him to drop me, but when she took me away, she took of her high heeled shoes and held it by the heel and gave me the beating of my life.) i never messed with my parents after that and they never hit me again( well, except this one time my dad slapped me when i tried to drown a cousin i hated.) what can i say? i'm sick like that.
they dont do that ' oh i thoght i would never see u again' crap with lots of hugs.
you are telling the child its okay to throw tantrums.
my parents had a good method that worked, if we were really really bad, my mum just said 'wait till your daddy gets home today'. believe me, nobody wanted to find out, and when daddy was forced to show his hand life became crystal clear. believe me it really couldn't get clearer about who was boss.
god, i no say i dey find money but why i go buy my sixteen year old pikin a 100 thousand dollar range rover.
i fit o, if the money plenty like that and na good pikin. but jeez, the kids on these shows are just plain horrible.
met one of my aunts kids recently, nobody in Nigeria could believe how polite they were, though they cant speak Igbo they understand it very well, especially words their mother uses on them, like a ma machi gi nti.

to end my lets make the world a better place by beating our kids roll (yes, i said it. why is beat so politically incorrect. what makes beat better than spank) -.

"Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)

im not big on bible or dictionary quotations but i really liked the part where it says the child shall not die. with all the wives Solo had i bet he knew what he was talking about.

just checked a dictionary
beat is to hit repeatedly with heavy blows. abeg o no be me send u.
and spank is a slap on the buttocks with open palms or a flat object.
Potato, Patata

Sunday, 8 July 2007

so long a gist

Dear readers let me tell you a story a colleague of Pumice who recently came to rio for a business course. As per say I no know any nigerians here, i was a bit exited to see a nigerian; and besides he was bringing garri and maggi for me. It's funny how the maggi and noodles here taste different (or in short lack taste) over here. Apparently the only Brazilians know how to spice their food is to put garlic into everything - even their bread.

Anway back to the story; Femo (not his name) arrived here about a month ago and we went to pick him upt at the whole thing began when we went to get him at the airport. First things first, I'm always surprised when I see young educated men, working in mulitnational companies, traveling all over the word, and are yet to experience the wonders of antiperspirants /deodorants. I mean the first thing that greets me when we meet him in the departure lounge is a strong whiff of BO that should be bottled and sold as insecticide or WMDs (Weapons of Mass Destruction). I still shudder when I think that Femo, who was in his thirties, was coming in from Europe where he had just spent two weeks before coming here. Urgh. Talk about first impressions counting.
Well, I managed to give him a side hug while holding my breath and Pumice and I took him to the hotel, got him settled in and invited him the next day for lunch. The next day I prepared egusi soup and cowleg for lunch and needless to say he was estactic to be eating food with pepper.

Now the first thing most non-Brazilan heterosexual guys think of when the arrives here is how to "touch base". And Femo, who had being suffering at the hands of Lagos girls, was practically walking around with hard-on with dreams of bagging his super model brazilian chick. I kept overhearing him asking HE, when he thought I was out of earshot, to "lay him a pass" in this town. Luckily HE is well-trained, at least enough to skillfully deflect his requests by saying he was out of the loop in this town (he better be) but he told Femo that this was the kind of town where what he was looking for would find him.

Later that day Femo goes back to the hotel, changes, and goes off to Copacabana beach in search of 'adventure'. I know because he later showed us pictures of him harassing poor white chicks at the hotel. He was unsuccessful to say the least for the first 2 days after which he had to go to another state for his course for about 3 weeks.

At the end of the 3 weeks, this guy comes back with renewed vigor to achieve his aim. Lesser men had got lucky here in Brazil and he was just as good as the competition. His new strategy, which Pumice told me later, was to first lower his standards and then tell the girls that he was a Nigerian born and bred in London. Things that make you go hmmm.

When Pumice and I go to surprise him at the hotel guess what we see? Femo comes into the hotel, returning from Copacana beach, with a older, fat (much older) woman who he met claims he met at the hotel. Pumice is shocked and doesn't really believe Femo is with this 'Iya' (this is what Femo calls the woman). Pumice asks " Guy na you get this load?". Femo replies shyly " Omo, na this one I pick o!". I guess the way he saw it half bread is better than full chin-chin. Of course I didn't need to ask I knew immediately he walked into the hotel lobby. Besides, the receptionist stole a glance at me immediately he came and we shared a sly smile. Who am I to judge?

Femo is now on roll. He apparently has found his niche in chasing large, fat women and is unknowing fulfilling the "Fat Girls" movie stereotype. He later checked another girl into the hotel whom he had promised to marry and take back to Nigeria. He actually met this girl when he traveled for the 3 weeks and the girls came to meet him in Rio. This, in her own mind I presume, is a prelude to Femo taking her back to Nigeria. Femo calls this one his 'Omoge'. I know what you're thinking but I'm not making this stuff up.

The climax of the story is Femo's last night before he leaves back to Nigeria where he begins to get sloppy. He is in the lobby coming in with Omoge and Iya sees him with this girl. Femo blanks Iya, carries Omoge to his room and proceeds to Iya's room. Iya starts to rake and guess who Femo says he was with?

Yours truly. Me! Me?!? What nerve? He told Iya that I, of all people, was the one with him downstairs. Obvious questions - What's Pumice's wife doing with you in a hotel at night and where is Pumice? Femo's reply was that I was secretly in love with him. What saved me in this story was that after Femo finished his 'handling his business' he goes to the bathroom to clean up. Of course, Omoge calls and Iya picks up the phone and the two ladies start arguing over the phone. Now when he comes out Iya wants to know how I managed to learn Portuguese. He comes out with a quasi-truth of how he met the girl when he traveled and the girl is stranded. Iya says he must sleep in with here (Iya). Femo starts to sweat thinking of how to leave the room and luckily the receptionist calls looking for him. He manges to escapes and then goes back to his room to put out the fire there.

Long story short, he comes up with a cock-and-bull story just to make Omoge spend the night with and leaves the next day for Nigeria. He told Pumice the full story the next day and Pumice was fuming. Pumice warned him to leave him and his wife out of that kind of gist and if they were not colleagues he would never talk to him again.

I can tell you one thing for sure, that's the last time I cook for that *!@&#$.

Female and Nigerian

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Semi retired feminist, closet online shopaholic, avid googler, unapologetic foodie who refuses to count calories until they are an acceptable means of barter.

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